Wikipedia:Peer review/Michael Jackson/archive5

Michael Jackson

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for March 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
Hey, it's been quite a few months since this article passed FAC and I would like to keep it as good as possible. In this peer review I would like advise on prose, grammar, punctuation, MoS and citation formatting only. Any other issues can be dealt with on the regular article talk page. The 2008-present section should definitely be checked since it did not exist at the time of the original review.

Thanks, — R ² 22:51, 30 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from TechOutsider (talk · contribs)

“

At the same time, Jackson was charged with seven counts of child molestation and two counts of administering an intoxicating agent in order to commit that felony; all charges regarded the same boy, Gavin Arvizo, who was under 14 at the time of the alleged crime. Earlier that year, a Granada Television documentary titled Living with Michael Jackson featured the singer holding hands and discussing sleeping arrangements with Arvizo, who would later accuse him of child sexual abuse.

”

I believe the above should be listed in chronological order.

Agree and done. — R ² 17:36, 31 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

Though he was accused of child sexual abuse in 1993, the criminal investigation was closed due to lack of evidence and Jackson was not charged. He then married twice and fathered three children, all of which caused further controversy. The singer has experienced health concerns since the early 1990s and conflicting reports regarding the state of his finances since the late 1990s. In 2005, Jackson was tried and acquitted of further sexual abuse allegations and several other charges.

”

There should be a little more elaboration on the controversy of him fathering three children. Since I am not too familiar with America's customs/social codes, it is taboo to marry twice and have three children, some from one parent and some from another?

This would be in regard to the Presley marriage being labeled a fraud by the tabloids, the fact that the marriages were very short, the biology of the children. These issues are covered in the body, but I think these details are too specific for the lead, which should just speak in general terms. — R ² 17:48, 31 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

In addition, the organization does not flow too well; first abuse in 1993, then a random fact, then a fact circa 1990s, then jumps to 2005.

Fixed the order, abuse in 1993, health problems started in same period (linking to issue of finances in late 1990's), marriage and children take up 1995-2002, then 2005 trial. — R ² 17:48, 31 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

Jackson has donated and raised millions of dollars for beneficial causes through his foundation, charity singles and support of 39 charities. Other aspects of his personal life—including his changing appearance and behavior—generated significant controversy which damaged his public image...

”

The third paragraph of the lead is a bit broad. I believe the first sentence of the third paragraph belongs somewhere else; the third paragraph seems to mainly concern his eccentricities. However, it starts with a fact about his donations to charities. TechOutsider (talk) 16:38, 31 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

That paragraph is about his personal life as an adult, obviously it's mostly negative. The charity work, as part of his personal life, helps balance the paragraph as much as possible. If it were to be moved to a different part of the lead, it would imply that there are no positive aspects to Jackson's personal life, which of course is not true. — R ² 17:23, 31 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

Jackson's highly publicized personal life, coupled with his successful career, has made him a part of popular culture for almost four decades. He has been cited as one of the world's most famous men.

”

Those two sentences should be combined. The first sentence wraps up the lead perfectly, however the last sentence leaves readers hanging a bit. TechOutsider (talk) 16:43, 31 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Agree, done. :) — R ² 17:26, 31 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

Jackson's successful career has made him a part of pop culture for almost four decades.[70] In recent years he has been cited as one of the world's most famous men.

”

Same as above. Combine for clarification. Leaves readers hanging; random fact poking out the conclusion. TechOutsider (talk) 01:39, 2 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Done. — R ² 02:21, 2 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

Jackson issued the double-disc album Thriller 25, a 25th anniversary edition of Thriller.

”

Sounds redundant. Maybe you should say something about it celebrating the 25th anniversary of Thriller, and add some information about new tracks. TechOutsider (talk) 16:54, 2 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

The revision is much more crisp. Kudos. TechOutsider (talk) 20:36, 3 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

;) — R ² 20:39, 3 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

...accepting stories of alleged criminal activity for money to engaging in illegal activity themselves.

”

Be more specfic is possible. Right now the selection is a little vauge. Is accepting false stores illegal? TechOutsider (talk) 00:21, 4 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Clarified. — R ² 02:06, 4 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

The first disc, HIStory Begins, was a 15-track greatest hits album, and was later released as Greatest Hits — HIStory Vol. I in 2001

”

Released again? Could you clarify? New tracks? Remixes? TechOutsider (talk) 00:26, 4 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Reissued. — R ² 02:00, 4 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

The first single released from the album was "Scream/Childhood", sung and performed with Jackson's youngest sister Janet.

”

I believe it was a duo. Could you emphasize the fact it was a duo some more, since you use the word "with" however don't say who it was "with" specfically. TechOutsider (talk) 00:27, 4 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Is this better? — R ² 01:52, 4 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Better. I'll be thinking about it throughout the day ... TechOutsider (talk) 12:44, 4 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

“

On May 14, 1984, Jackson was invited to the White House to receive an award presented by American President Ronald Reagan. The award was given for Jackson's support of charities that helped people overcome alcohol and drug abuse.[36] Jackson won eight awards during the 1984 Grammys. Unlike later albums, Thriller did not have an official tour to promote it, but the 1984 Victory Tour, headlined by The Jacksons, showcased much of Jackson's new solo material to more than two million Americans.[37] He donated his $5 million share from the Victory Tour to charity.[38]

”

I don't understand the main topic of the paragraph. Misc. facts need to be moved consolidated and moved elsewhere. TechOutsider (talk) 02:17, 5 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

It all worked as wonderful promotion for the Thriller album in 1984. Should I specify that? — R ² 03:18, 5 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Now it is more clear. Please specfiy. TechOutsider (talk) 03:45, 5 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

You say Jackson was skipping around "the room". This is the part about Jackson buying the Beatles' music catalog. What room? It sounded irrelevant, and to an extent almost trivial. TechOutsider' (talk) 20:48, 6 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Yeah it's not needed. — R ² 20:57, 6 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

When listing the price of a Michael Jackson doll, you say it was sold for "$12". Later, when listing the price at which Neverland Ranch, you use a US prefix; "US $17 million". Shouldn't it be uniform across the article?

Agree, no need for the US symbol, it's a US biography, so implied. — R ² 15:33, 10 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]