Talk:Lynn Bomar/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Muboshgu (talk · contribs) 15:10, 22 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this. – Muboshgu (talk) 15:10, 22 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for this Muboshgu Cake (talk) 05:06, 23 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Here's my first pass. I'm starting off by going section by section:

Lead

Too short. At present, it fails to adequately summarize the article.

Tried to fix

"in football was consensus All-Southern in 1922". This specifically requires more explanation. I assume it's the "Southern Conference".

Tried to fix

Early years

Also short, at only three sentences. Where did he go to high school? Did he have any siblings?

Tried to fix. Census seems to imply he did have siblings; left a q on the talk page.

"Lynn was born in Gallatin, Tennessee January 21, 1901" - not grammatical

Oops (that one is bad; hope that was an artifact). Tried to fix

College football

He played for the Vanderbilt Commodores, but of what university? I know the answer, but it should be stated.

Tried to fix. I often wonder whether to say he played for x-school y-nickname football team or for the x-school y-nicknames of x-school university (or university of x-school).

There's an odd sentence adding his fraternity membership in a paragraph that otherwise only discusses football.

Tried to fix.

Okay, now we start talking about his high school career in the "College football" section. Also, what is "Fitzgerald & Clarke"? I have no frame of reference for this. (Note: I'm coming back to this now that I've read the infobox. If "Fitzgerald & Clarke" was his high school, then I'm not sure how Castle Heights fits in here.)

Yeah, admittedly a bit of trouble in how to bring up the Wallace Wade connection in both college and prep school. Tried to fix

"as an assistant coach under McGugin his teams went 15–0–2." - I'm not following. According to this section, it seems that Wade went to Vandy before Bomar, or at least the same season. So what makes Wade's record as an assistant coach 15-0-2, while Bomar's record was 26–5–4?

Tried to fix.

The last part of this paragraph isn't referenced.

Tried to fix

1921

"the Commodores would upset the Longhorns": This tense is a pet peeve of mine. The word "would" adds nothing of value; the event is in the past. There are other instances of this in the article.

Good point. Tried to fix.

SIAA should be spelled out in the first usage, and presented with the abbreviation ("Southern Intercollegiate Athletic Association ⋅(SIAA)"), and then the abbreviation can be used for all future needs.

Tried to fix.

"The score reflected the 'dope,'" - ?

It's similar to "hype" today. I have one source which quotes it as "insider information." 'They covered the spread' might be said today. i.e. an upset upsets the dope; not-an-upset reflects the dope. "The score was as expected" might be simple English. Tried to fix

- Also, this reference doesn't have an accessdate, nor does it note that the source is behind a paywall. This is the same with many other references, I see. Further, the date formats aren't consistent, some using mdy and others using dmy. Since Bomar was an American, they should all be mdy. I recommend using the {{cite web}} template for these references, but that is not required.

- Will take a better look at cite web. I know I'm not best at access dates; but they were all around the same time. Let's hope I got one of them and can copy it if that will suffice. And yes many are behind a wall; I do try to find others when I can. I thought a lock showed this fact.

So I gather from this paragraph that Bomar started playing on offense? Can you add any more on that?

Everybody played both ways in those days. A halfback means you are a defensive back on defense (usually; these are descriptive rather than prescriptive categories); and an end means a tight end on offense (before there were wide receivers. Mike Ditka was one of the last great ones.) and a defensive end on defense. Tried to fix

"Bomar bucked over the line for a score" - Euphemism? He's not a bronco...

It may be a euphemism, but I think it's a play, like how a "dive" is a play that doesn't mean you are swimmer. E. g. "coach called a line buck."

In that case, it could be hard to understand for a non-football fan.

1922

"scoreless tie with Michigan" shouldn't all be linked to that entry on the 1922 season. "Scoreless tie" can be the linked text, while "Michigan" can be linked to the Wolverines' page, and removing the Michigan link later in the sentence. Then again, the season article is there as {{main}}, and no other single game has a link like this, so that should be made consistent, probably with the link taken out.

Good points. Stuck where one has enough information to reference elsewhere but perhaps not enough notoriety for a game thread (though there are ones for stuff like the first game in Kansas). Tried to fix.

"Bomar got the second of two touchdowns", "A similar play in the second half of this game got another touchdown" - "scored" or "recorded" would be better verbs, they don't simply "get" awarded a touchdown

Agreed. Tried to fix.

"Neely to Bomar ranked among the best pass-receiver combinations in Vanderbilt history" Can you expand on this? How many times did they connect? How highly does it rank in Vandy history?

There weren't many stats aside from points. Neely was considered the best passer of that era from his halfback position and Bomar likely the best option for whom to pass it. It's said many places; felt my sources should suffice. I think I may be quoting Fred Russell there. Quoting the sources linked: "Led by the passing tandem of quarterback [sic] Jess Neely and receiver Lynn "The Blond Bear" Bomar, the 1922 team finished 8–0–1 and outscored opponents 117–16" and "Neely to Bomar, Vanderbilt's greatest pass receiving combination" respectively. Neely is frequently cited as '22's best passer, and for Bomar's importance to '22 Vandy one need only take a look at the All-Southern team of '22 and the SoCon standings.

1923

Was the All-American honor a preseason honor? Otherwise it doesn't make sense to put it before the game action.

Agreed. Tried to fix.

What's the "Pickens trophy"? Awarded to the best team in the south? Does that mean the Southern United States?

Tried to fix. It was named after coach Champ Pickens.

1924

I see you added that he played halfback in 1924. That's good. We need more of that on the offensive positions in the sections above.

He just changed positions - see above on playing both ways. Tried to fix

"Bomar scooped up a fumble" - Another euphemism. "Recovered" would be better.

Tried to fix.

I think you got a little carried away with the direct quotes. The second, third, fourth, and fifth paragraphs in this section are entirely comprised of quotes from sources. This should be condensed to the meatiest parts.

You're probably right. Tried to fix. Will return to this.

1925

How is it that Bomar came to play for the Giants? They signed him, but did anyone else offer him a contract? Did he consider other options out of college besides professional football?

A good question which I will leave on the talk page for I doubt I will find the answer.

1926

No particular comments here

Law enforcement career

So he worked in a hotel from the end of his playing career (1926) until 1934?

According to the source, yes. Tried to fix

His role in this race riot could be expanded. Did he face any charges? It reads like he admitted to acting unlawfully under oath.

He did admit to such, but his career longterm was affected little. Tried to fix

"He served various state capacities throughout his career, including working for the Tennessee Motor Transportation Association, Universal Tire and Appliance Company, and the Tennessee Superintendent of Public Works" - this needs to be expanded upon. When did he serve in what role? What did he accomplish?

Think I misunderstood the source. Tried to fix.

"Eventually he became the warden..." When? How?

Found when; but added to talk page. Tried to fix

How did he support this musical group? Allowing practice time?

Probably was it, but will leave that on the talk page.

Other

Can the images be spread out more? As it is, they're stacked on top of each other, while there are no images lower in the article.

I tried to put them near a relevant part of the article. Not too committed to keeping it that way if I must change it. Tried to fix

Personal life? Totally missing. Did he marry? Have kids? He was a warden until his death. What did he die of?

Tried to fix

According to the article's categories, he also played baseball and basketball, but this isn't mentioned sufficiently. I see it's mentioned in the lead, but not in the body. His baseball position is given, but not his basketball position.

Tried to fix. Not sure if it needs its own section.

Many of the dashes in the article should be &ndashes.

Tried to fix

"Associated Press Southeast Area All-Time football team 1920-1969 era" is mentioned in the infobox, but not in the body.

Tried to fix

I'll put this on hold to allow you time. – Muboshgu (talk) 19:08, 22 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Looks better on the surface. I'll take a closer look soon (today or tomorrow). – Muboshgu (talk) 15:02, 26 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Sorry for the delay. Here are some areas that need further clarifications... – Muboshgu (talk) 21:51, 3 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]

No worries, and thanks again Cake (talk) 04:10, 7 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]

"Early years" - it's a short section there before prep school, so his father's name doesn't need to be given twice. In fact, it's short enough that I don't think it needs a subsection.

Tried to fix

How many years did he spend at Webb School? He attended Castle Heights after Fitzgerald & Clarke burned down, or before?

Not sure. I can guess not very long as John J. Tigert is said to graduate from there while Lynn didn't, but only guess. F-C burnt down in 1922 - when Lynn is at Vanderbilt. Tried to fix

Source that he did kickoffs.

There's the picture; but I'll get one. Tried to fix

The next paragraph says he played halfback and fullback, but the paragraph discussing his positions makes no mention of that. In "1924", it says he moved to halfback, so I'm confused why he was playing it earlier than that.

Tried to fix.

"1921" section lists one score as "20–0" and another as "14 to 0". I see this a pattern in later sections as well.

Which one should I prefer?

I have no preference, personally. Whichever way you like best. – Muboshgu (talk) 19:49, 4 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Tried to fix. Went with the &ndashes.

Jess Neely is linked in both "1921" and "1922", but only needs to be linked the first time.

Tried to fix.

"1924" source that Bomar was captain after Kelly's injury.
The two sentences in "Baseball and basketball" are unreferenced.

Tried to fix.

"Famed sportswriter Fred Russell" - "famed" is listed (as "famous") as a "word to watch" under the "puffery" section. Aside from that, the quote is unsourced and seems unnecessary, aside from his fraternity membership.

Bury Me In An Old Press Box is the source. Tried to fix

"He fully recovered and played for the New York Giants the following year,[1] retiring from football after 1926 due to an unrelated injury" isn't relevant for the "1924" section, and should be kept for the below section on his career with the Giants.

Tried to fix.

"1925": "Its home games were at the Polo Grounds." This is true, but I don't know why it's mentioned here. Is this specifically relevant to Bomar?

Just a fact relevant to his era/team. I grant your point though. Tried to fix.

"1925" - the second paragraph relates to the struggles of professional football at large, but doesn't connect to Bomar directly, unless you mention what job Bomar had in addition to playing for the Giants

Relevant to the team he was on surely. I will try to find if he had an additional job but I feel reluctant deleting it even if I don't.Tried to fix

"Personal life": "... and had issue". Great. Was it a boy or a girl? What was his/her name?

He had at least one son, not sure of the daughters. Should I write it that way instead? Tried to fix

"Bomar reached the peak of his law enforcement career when in 1945 he was made both state Commissioner of Public Safety and Patrol chief" Was that the peak? Is that "better" than being warden? I'd stick to the facts, since that he "reached the peak" is kind of subjective.

The source calls it "the pinnacle of his success," but I also feel your point is justified. Tried to fix

"The group received a BMI award for their hit "Just Walkin' in the Rain" in his office". Do you mean "The group received a BMI award for their hit "Just Walkin' in the Rain", recorded in his office"?

The presentation was in the office, ergo they received the award there. No, I did not mean recorded. Tried to fix

Query

Muboshgu, where does this nomination stand? Are you satisfied with the fixes that have been made? What more needs to be done? Thanks. BlueMoonset (talk) 05:07, 2 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Apologies. I've been slow to perform a follow-up review of the article. Things are progressing well, and I'll check to see what else, if anything, needs to be done today (hopefully) or tomorrow. – Muboshgu (talk) 15:08, 2 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Further review

Okay, here's some more... Also note that for above comments where you sought a clarification, I replied up above. – Muboshgu (talk) 19:50, 4 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

"He was in the same graduating class as All-American Vanderbilt end Hek Wakefield, with whom he attended preparatory school. They both followed their coach Wallace Wade to Vanderbilt, where for his two years as an assistant under McGugin the teams went 15–0–2. In 1923 Wade leaves for a historic career at Alabama which includes 3 national titles." Entire paragraph is unsourced.

Will return to this, got sources for Bomar and Wakefield's brothers, but having trouble with sourcing Hek at F-C outside of the yearbook.

"In his freshman season at Vanderbilt, Bomar was already a standout player. He spent the season starting as a fullback." Same. Also, how do you mean "standout"? This strikes me as a WP:PEACOCK term.

One only needs an account of the Georgia game to see how, but I will return and try to use a better term.

"The Commodores tied the Bulldogs 7 to 7 on the final play for a share of the SIAA title. Vanderbilt finished the season 7–0–1." Unsourced

Tried to fix

"Vanderbilt had its second straight undefeated season in 1922. Bomar this year played his more natural position at end." Same

Tried to fix

"This set up a Gil Reese touchdown." Unsourced

Tried to fix

"In 1923 assistant coach Wade left for Alabama and was replaced at Vanderbilt by former star tackle Josh Cody." Unsourced.

Tried to fix

I also see that Josh Cody is wikilinked twice. Only the first should be wikilinked.

Tried to fix

"Bomar suffered a brain hemorrhage following a kick to the chin, with half of his body paralyzed for two days." This was during the Georgia game? In case, it should be made clear that it was.

It was. Tried to fix

The baseball section is too brief. Do we know anything else about it? How many games played, etc.?

He was the backup catcher from 1922 to 1924, I think. Wish I had more sources too, and will return

"The third pass knocked Haines over. The stunt happened two days before a game with the Los Angeles Buccaneers. "It was as much as anything a playful jab at Brick Muller," end on the Buccaneers, who the year before caught a pass thrown from atop the Telephone Building, a drop of 320 feet (97.5 m), in San Francisco."

Not sure of the comment here.

I don't recall. Was it unsourced at the time? Looking at it now I don't have an issue with it. – Muboshgu (talk) 14:08, 19 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

That must've been it. Tis sourced now.Tried to fix

On quick glance, the most glaring thing I saw was the below paragraph without any sources. I may be able to pass this if this is fixed, but I need to take a closer look. – Muboshgu (talk) 14:08, 19 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

He was in the same graduating class as All-American Vanderbilt end Hek Wakefield, with whom he attended preparatory school. They both followed their coach Wallace Wade to Vanderbilt, where for his two years as an assistant under McGugin the teams went 15–0–2. In 1923 Wade leaves for a historic career at Alabama which includes 3 national titles.
Tried to fix. Cake (talk) 20:12, 26 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

This was a fairly long review both in terms of actual comments and the amount of time it has taken. I made a few minor changes just now and I'm confident passing this article. Thank you for your good work. – Muboshgu (talk) 14:23, 31 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]