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The song includes a sample of "Tristessa" by Orchestra Njervudarov for the - should this sentence really be the section opener? It feels as if the one that introduces Kanye West and Jay-Z's collaborations should come before it
I have removed this altogether, being that I have access to the liner notes and can confirm the sample is not even listed for this song. --K. Peake21:24, 20 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]
In 2010, the two began production and recording together for a collaborative record titled Watch the Throne - starting production and recording are sort of the same thing; I think this could be shortened to something like "In 2010, the two began recording a collaborative record titled Watch the Throne."
"Illest Motherfucker Alive" includes additional vocals... - to possibly transition this better from the preceding sentence, I would add "'Illest Mother Fucker Alive', a track from the album's deluxe edition, includes additional vocals..."
a friend from Jive Records recommended her to the owner of Electric Lady Studios - I'm not terribly familiar with Kanye West, so do forgive me, but how does Electric Lady Studios connect back to Cardona being contacted by West's manager? Had West previously recorded there? If so, maybe add in a note of some sorts.
and she was surprised to record at the location - I would split this from the sentence before it, since it runs a little wordy. I would also add in a quote from the HuffPost article to better explain why she was surprised to record at the hotel. As another side note, I would personally trim the information about her personal thoughts on West; while some might find it interesting, personally, I don't think it contributes much to my understanding of the production process.
the rapper's manager offered him a placement in exchange for some beats - what does a placement mean here? A placement on Watch the Throne?
Southside contributed the song's drums, snares, hi-hat, and breakdowns as he used the Roland TR-808, while creating with Lex Luger on a constant basis - I feel its a little unclear what this means. I get that Southside played the drums, snares, hi-hat, and breakdowns, but is it supposed to mean that he did this using the Roland TR-808 together with Lex Luger?
Southside offered that he incorporated his "classical, musical space-synth" material as he compared the opera aspects to him seeing "a movie in his head or something" - I also don't really understand what this means.
He raps about works from Jean-Michel Basquiat and Andy Warhol being his equivalent to the Muses, seeing his home as replicating a museum - this third paragraph is really good, but what does it mean by Jay-Z viewing his home as a museum? I'm assuming it's because he owns works by Basquiat and Warhol, which I think could be clarified.
To help with navigation, it might be beneficial to split the last paragraph into two (one for the composition and another for lyrics) and put this in its own section.
would be included on the album - would specify Watch the Throne since this is a new section
Not done it is best to mention the album's title in the sentence that specifies the full release on it
Jay-Z and West's collaborative studio album Watch the Throne - we know most of this from the background section so I believe the information here could be trimmed.
that should have been album tracks instead... - I would clarify by saying "that should have been on the album's regular edition instead..."
In the final paragraph, I would add its peak position on the Billboard Hip-Hop Digital Song Sales chart.
crafting its basis with his Roland TR-808 and the rapper then incorporated his synths - to break this up a little I would add "with his Roland TR-808; West then incorporated its synths"
I would add the Hip-Hop Digital Song Sales chart at the end of the lead as well.
While this list may seem long due to almost all issues coming from the largest section, most things that I've pointed out are minor issues that I hope won't be too much of a bother. IanTEB (talk) 20:13, 18 January 2025 (UTC)[reply]
@Kyle Peake: Thank you for the quick response! I think this looks very good, but I still feel like parts of the background section are a little unclear. I edited it a little myself, but there are some things that I don't understand the exact meaning of.
West then requested the track to do whatever he wanted and Southside sent it to him - I feel like this is unclear. Did West request that Southside do whatever he wants, or the otherway around? Do you mean, for example "West requested that Southside take creative liberty on the track; Southside subsequently sent back 'Illest Motherfucker Alive'?
West added the vast majority of the synths and Southside offered that he incorporated his "classical, musical space-synth" material as he compared the opera aspects to him seeing "a movie in his head or something" - Is this supposed to mean that Southside asked West to add classical space-synth. or that Southside offered to add this in himself?
Done for the above --K. Peake 21:24, 20 January 2025 (UTC)
Partly done I cut the part of her calling West nice out, although the rest relates to background and the music. --K. Peake 21:24, 20 January 2025 (UTC)
Comment: this is simply him explaining how the sounds both appear to him, cannot it be kept? --K. Peake 21:24, 20 January 2025 (UTC)
Not done it is best to mention the album's title in the sentence that specifies the full release on it