Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/2009–10 Notts County F.C. season/archive1

2009–10 Notts County F.C. season

Featured article candidates/2009–10 Notts County F.C. season/archive1

Nominator(s): Eric Idle's Cat (talk) 14:10, 30 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Have you ever wondered what happens when a struggling lower league football club is taken over as part of an elaborate attempt to defraud (among others) the North Korean government? Well, as far fetched as that might sound, you can find out! This article is about Notts County's 2009–10 season, a hugely successful one on the field, but one largely overshadowed by off-field events, as the club found itself unwittingly embroiled in a massive attempted fraud. This was unquestionably the most bizarre season in Notts County's (and maybe any football club's) history, and the story is complex and sometimes scarcely believable, but I hope I've been able to bring it all together in a sensible and understandable way. All comments and feedback gratefully received. Eric Idle's Cat (talk) 14:10, 30 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Image review

Suggest adding alt text. Nikkimaria (talk) 04:43, 31 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks - alt text added Eric Idle's Cat (talk) 08:44, 31 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Placeholder

Putting my name down to do a review of this one -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 08:56, 31 October 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Initial comments

"the club were subject to a high-profile takeover" - although whether to treat a football club as singular or plural is a bit nebulous in British English, I would say that in this case the club is being referred to as a corporate entity and should therefore be singular
That's all I got on the lead - more to follow! -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 10:35, 5 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks Chris, the above is now amended. Eric Idle's Cat (talk) 13:31, 5 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

More comments

"Green "sold" his stake in the club to the Trust for £75,000" - why is "sold" in quote marks? If a transaction occurred in exchange for money, that seems like a pretty straightforward sale to me.....

Quotation marks removed

"It was relegated from Division Two (now EFL League One) in 2004" - as the name changed in 2004, I think you could avoid the need for brackets if you frame it as "It was relegated to EFL League One in 2004"

Changed

"as this would not be a sale, no money would need to be paid to the estate of Haydn Green" - I'm unclear why money would ever have needed to be paid to his estate - didn't he sell his shares to the Trust before he died?

I've edited the background section above to clarify that the money would become due to Green's estate in the event of his death.

That's what I got as far as the end of the "Pre-season events" section - back for more later! -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 08:28, 6 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

These are now addressed. If there's anything further you need clarifying from these let me know. Eric Idle's Cat (talk) 09:21, 6 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

" the second 2–2 at home to Torquay United, a result which left the team in fifth place" => pedantically, "the team" here could refer to either Notts or Torquay

I've switched to "the Magpies" to make it clear that this refers to Notts.

"The club's off-field was by now deteriorating rapidly" - think there's a word or words missing after "off-field"

Word added

"it was reported that Trembling was planning a management buyout of the club,[90] that Eriksson was on the verge of resigning,[91] and Armstrong-Holmes admitte" => "it was reported that Trembling was planning a management buyout of the club,[90] and that Eriksson was on the verge of resigning,[91] and Armstrong-Holmes admitte"

Done

"it became apparent that the club were subject to a new winding-up petition" - I think "the club was" here per my earlier comment
Suggest linking "brace" to somewhere appropriate on first usage

Done

"Due to be played in the midst of Trembling's efforts to find a new buyer for the club, he had reportedly hoped" - don't think this works grammatically. Try "As the match was due to be played in the midst of Trembling's efforts to find a new buyer for the club, he had reportedly hoped"

Done

"company with reserves of $1.9trillion" - think there should be a non-breaking space between 9 and trillion
"supposedly worth $2billion" - same here
Same for all the million amounts in the last section

All done

"At a later hearing, Jersey authorities ordered he pay £322,212" => "At a later hearing, Jersey authorities ordered that he pay £322,212"
That's all I got in the rest of the article. Great work!! -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 16:54, 6 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for taking the time to read through Chris, these are all now addressed. Eric Idle's Cat (talk) 19:30, 6 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Support -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 19:39, 6 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

SC

Comments to follow. - SchroCat (talk) 19:43, 7 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

"attempts to recover often referenced the events of 2009": "often refer to" would be much better

Changed

Page ranges in the references should not be "p. 127–8", but "pp. 127–128"

I've gone through and reformatted where necessary.

Sorry, I misread your point on this one. Thanks for going back through it for me.

"buying the Magpies" -> "buying the club"
Unbeknownst -> Unbeknown

Changed

"suggested Brazil international and World Cup winner Roberto Carlos" -> "the Brazil international. This is supposed to be in formal, encyclopaedic English, so the definite article should be used. Journalists and Americans drop it altogether (which is fine for them), but not here

Definite article added

"Campbell did not play immediately, and Notts were beaten 1–0 at Barnet in their final match of the month". This is a comma splice which appears to be connecting two unconnected events.

I've rewritten the sentence to remove the reference to Campbell.

"Early in September, the Magpies strengthened" -> "Early in September, Notts County strengthened" (try and use the nickname sparingly, and best not when 'introducing' the club at the start of a new paragraph)

Changed

"wealth was not real, and defender": this would be better as "wealth was not real; the defender"

Changed

"Early November brought new revelations about the club's finances when it was revealed that Notts County's": too journalistic. "In early November it was revealed that Notts County's" is more succinct

Changed

"one often repeated story is of the club being unable to pay even the local milkman": Too journalistic – and who cares about a repeated story: it's supposed to be a coverage of known facts, not repeated stories

I've removed the milkman anecdote.

"buyout of the club, and that Eriksson was on the verge of resigning, and Armstrong-Holmes admitted" and...and... This needs rewriting
"Holmes admitted": 'Admit' has overtones of confessing to a crime (see MOS:SAID)

I've split the above into a couple of sentences and replaced 'admit'.

"The two men "scoured Europe", as the Press Association put it": Not sure why we need peacocky journalistic language here. This can be rewritten in good English without the hyperbole

Rewritten

"saw the Magpies move" -> "saw Notts County move"

Changed

"gifted the Magpies": I'm not sure there was a "gift", so formal language would be better

Changed

"league leaders Rochdale" -> "the league leaders Rochdale"

Definite article added

"this 3–2, meaning the Magpies" 'and' instead of 'meaning' would be better

Changed

"by BBC journalist" -> "by the BBC journalist"
"a decade later, journalist" -> "a decade later, the journalist" – ditto for Levine and Southall in the same sentence

Definite articles added

"and Trembling would admit to Marshall": see above about "admit", but why "would admit", rather than "admitted".

Changed

At the moment it's a good article, but the prose is a bit flabby and journalistic in places. I'll go over it all again once these points have been addressed. - SchroCat (talk) 05:53, 12 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Many thanks for the feedback, the above has now been addressed. Eric Idle's Cat (talk) 13:23, 12 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

A final few comments on another readthrough:

"Former England manager Sven-Göran Eriksson" ->"The former England manager Sven-Göran Eriksson" (twice: once in the lead, once in the body)

Definite articles added

"the Trust apparently did not ask": I'm never happy to see "apparently" in WP's voice: best if this could be attributed inline

I've reworded this paragraph so there's an in-line attribution to the source.

"Goodley was quickly tipped off": do you mean "quickly"? Literally this is saying someone told him very fast. "Soon", maybe?

Changed

"at Notts County's Meadow Lane": slightly confusing unless you what Meadow Lane is. "at Notts County's Meadow Lane ground", or "Meadow Lane stadium" or similar would help

I've added stadium here

"stuck in mud before crossing the goal line": Needs reframing as it reads like it was temporarily stuck but also crossed the line

I've switched 'before' to 'without'.

"Early in January, it became apparent that the club was subject to a new winding-up petition issued by HMRC": What was the actual situation at the time, because the weasel phrase "it became apparent" is slightly confusing here. If they were subject to it, then just say "Early in January, the club was subject to a new winding-up petition issued by HMRC", or "the club found out it was subject"

Changed

That's my lot. - SchroCat (talk) 07:41, 14 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, these are now addressed. Eric Idle's Cat (talk) 10:14, 14 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Support - SchroCat (talk) 10:22, 14 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]