User:DReifGalaxyM31/Mr. Monk Quotations - My favorite episodes
Main page: User:DReifGalaxyM31/Mr. Monk Quotations - Seasons 3-8
Season 5
[edit]Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06]
[edit]- [Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a crime scene]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good morning. What’s going on?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, what you see is pretty much it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do I see?
- Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like an accident. Her name’s Katherine Rutherford. 62. Lives here on the third floor. Patrol officers called us in just to make sure. [Stottlemeyer points to some necklace beads on the floor of the midway landing]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are those?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, beads. She was wearing a necklace, which broke. She slips on the beads, breaks her neck. [Stottlemeyer looks over the railing]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A lot of gravity in these stairwells.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just used the elevator. Why didn’t she?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Um... [starts checking his notepad]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Was it broken? [Randy doesn't find anything] If you don’t know, just say so.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I don’t know.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [calls down to an officer standing over the body] Hey, are there any beads down there?
- Police Officer: No, sir. [Stottlemeyer gestures between the beads on the floor and the body with his hands]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she slipped on the beads, why didn’t any of them roll away?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [checks his notepad] Beads, beads, beads, beads…
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don’t know. Randy, something's wrong here. [He picks up an intact portion of necklace and walks down to the body] This is wrong. [to the officers] Lift up her head. [Stottlemeyer puts the intact portion of the necklace around Katherine's neck, but it doesn't stretch all the way] It doesn't fit; it's too small. Okay, we're changing gears. Lock down this stairwell from the basement to the roof. Call the watch commander; this is now a homicide investigation.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
- [The officer picks up a lapel pin with the number 25 under the body]
- Police Officer: Captain. I just found this under the body.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is that, a lapel pin?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I’ve seen that before. Wait, I know this pin. Someone was wearing it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [struggles to remember] Hang on. Whoa, wait, wait, wait. [sighs] I don’t know.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know.
- [Cuts to Monk fussing with an identical pin on his jacket]
- [Monk is adjusting an alumni lapel pin on his coat]
- Adrian Monk: Is it straight? I can't get it straight. [Natalie sighs, exasperated]
- Natalie Teeger: Why don't you just stand at a slight angle? [they start walking] Mr. Monk, maybe I should stay.
- Adrian Monk: No, no-
- Natalie Teeger: No-no, my parents can pick up Julie.
- Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
- Natalie Teeger: Well it's just that the last time you saw these people, you were with Trudy, and....I remember after Mitch died, how difficult it was, you know, going to parties, and seeing our friends? [sighs] That's when I missed him the most.
- Adrian Monk: I'm way ahead of you. I did all my crying last night; I'm good to go.
- Natalie Teeger: I’m going to call my parents. [Natalie starts to reach into her purse as if to grab her cell phone]
- Adrian Monk: No! Relax, will you? This is Berkeley. It’s like my second home! Wish you could have seen me here, Trudy and me. We had a million friends. We owned this place!
- Natalie Teeger: [smiles] Uh-huh....
- Adrian Monk: I hope Dinky comes. Crazy Dinky Feber! [Natalie laughs] He was always getting off these great zingers. Oh, and I hope Craig Hopper comes. He was always explaining Dinky’s zingers to me. They made a great team.
- Natalie Teeger: He-he. Oh, have you filled out your registration form?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, I filled it out six months ago.
- [Monk has just thought he noticed someone familiar]
- Adrian Monk: Uh, I thought that was Smitty. That guy looked....just like Smitty. You--you--you still have my invitation?
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, yes I do. Right. [She pulls Monk's registration form out of her purse] Here you go.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah... [Natalie spots something on Monk's form]
- Natalie Teeger: "Adrian 'Captain Cool' Monk"? Who's Captain Cool?
- Adrian Monk: Me. That was my nickname.
- Natalie Teeger: You were 'Captain Cool'? [smiles] Why?
- Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
- Natalie Teeger: I don't know. [Monk leans back and stands with his hands on his hips and his right foot forward]
- Adrian Monk: Why do you think? [Natalie lifts her eyebrows]
- Natalie Teeger: [grins] I don't know!
- Adrian Monk: Look, I didn’t write the invitation! Did I?
- Natalie Teeger: Okay! Okay! Well, uh, good luck, and I will see you here at seven o'clock. Okay? [She teasingly strikes a mirror image of Monk's pose] Captain. [Natalie walks away]
- [While Monk is in line to turn in his registration form, Dianne Brooks taps his shoulder]
- Dianne Brooks: Adrian?
- Adrian Monk: Dianne. Dianne Sooner!
- Dianne Brooks: Not anymore. It’s Dianne Brooks! [shows Monk her wedding ring] Oh, my gosh! You look great! Oh, my…I can’t…You haven’t changed at all.
- Adrian Monk: Neither have you. Except for, you know, your age.
- Dianne Brooks: Well, you know, I don’t think I’ve seen you since…well, since the memorial service, I guess, right?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah.
- Dianne Brooks: How, how are you doing? Are you dating?
- Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
- Dianne Brooks: Well, maybe you’ll meet someone here.
- Adrian Monk: No. No, I don’t think…nah. No.
- Dianne Brooks: Well, you never know!
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, you do.
- Dianne Brooks: Well, um, where are you staying?
- Adrian Monk: At home. I’m about a half-hour from here, just across the Bay.
- Dianne Brooks: Oh! Oh, you know what? That reminds me, I forgot to fill out my form. Remember me? Right? Always last minute?
- Adrian Monk: Always. [Dianne pulls her form out of her purse]
- Dianne Brooks: Yeah. You know what? Do you mind if I… [Dianne points at Monk’s back]
- Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [Monk bends over so that Dianne can use his back like a writing desk]
- Dianne Brooks: Could you…there. [Dianne fills out her form] You know, actually, my…my…sorry. My husband, Kyle, is dying to meet you. [Monk grimaces]
- Adrian Monk: He is?
- Dianne Brooks: Yeah! Yeah! He has been asking about you every day, for months. “Do you think Adrian Monk is coming?” You know, “Is he really coming?” Yeah. He is gonna be so excited. [finishes filling out her form] Great! Thank you.
- [Natalie is walking to her car. As she reaches it, she searches her purse and finds a set of keys]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, shoot!
- [She notices another couple just getting out of their car]
- Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me, are you going to the reunion?
- Alumni Husband: That’s right.
- Natalie Teeger: Great! Could you give these keys to Adrian Monk?
- Alumni Husband: Who?
- Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk? Um, Captain Cool? [The man laughs]
- Alumni Husband: Captain Cool? Is he here?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah!
- Alumni Husband: Sure. I’d be glad to.
- Natalie Teeger: Okay, great. Thank you. Have fun!
- Alumni Husband: Okay. [As Natalie prepares to get in her car, she overhears the couple talking]
- Alumni Wife: Who is Captain Cool?
- Alumni Husband: He was this weird guy, real nervous. Always worried about everything. He spent every weekend defrosting his refrigerator! So, we called him Captain Cool. [Natalie stops]
- [Monk is talking with Todd, one of his classmates]
- Adrian Monk: The last time I saw you was Mischief Night, 1981! You and your friends were throwing toilet paper everywhere, right?
- Todd: Mischief Night.
- Adrian Monk: That’s right.
- Todd: Right. I don’t remember you.
- Adrian Monk: I wasn’t with you. I was following you. I was cleaning up.
- Todd: Was that you?
- Adrian Monk: You had a girlfriend with short red hair.
- Todd: Belinda.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah.
- Todd: Yeah. Yeah. She and I, we got married, but... she passed away.
- Adrian Monk: Oh. My wife died, too.
- Todd: Oh.
- Adrian Monk: Trudy Ellison. Yeah.
- Todd: It’s tough, huh? But you just have to move on.
- Adrian Monk: No. We can’t move on. We can try, but we’ll never get past it. It’s unrelenting. All we can do is live out our days alone, in hopeless quiet, desperation.
- Todd: Would you excuse me? I’m, um, I’m remarried. My family’s waiting for me.
- [He points to his own family and walks over to them. As Monk watches, Natalie walks up and gently puts her arm around his]
- Adrian Monk: [quietly] Thank you.
- [Randy is at his desk. He notices something and rushes into Stottlemeyer's office]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? The lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Just now at my desk.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No I mean... tell me about the pin, Randy.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Monk. He's been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you're right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?
- Lt. Randall Disher: No, she worked there. She was a nurse at the university clinic for, like, twenty years.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But she didn't graduate, so this isn't her pin.
- Lt. Randall Disher: The killer.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [with realization] It fell off the killer... which means the killer is at the reunion... with Monk?
- [Monk and Natalie are in the college cafeteria]
- Natalie Teeger: Well this looks delicious! So this is where you ate? I mean, was this your "hangout"?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, I-I-I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just go.
- Natalie Teeger: No! I'm not going to let you go! You've been looking so forward to this! [Natalie grabs a tray from the salad bar]
- Adrian Monk: I don't know what I was thinking. These people weren't my friends, okay? They don't even remember me! The truth is, I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was always just "the guy with Trudy," just like you're "the girl with me".
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield? [Cuts to a close-up of Monk's name on a small placard]
- Adrian Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
- Natalie Teeger: So you donated all of these? That is so generous of you!
- Adrian Monk: Well actually, it was more of a lawsuit. It took up a lot of my spare time... [Dianne Brooks sees them and walks over]
- Dianne Brooks: Adrian! There you are. We've been looking for you! [Dianne notices Natalie and looks at her suspiciously]
- Natalie Teeger: Hi! I'm Natalie Teeger. [Natalie and Dianne shake hands]
- Dianne Brooks: Hi. Dianne Brooks.
- Natalie Teeger: I'm his assistant.
- Dianne Brooks: Oh! Oh, so you two aren’t… [She points between Monk and Natalie. Natalie grins]
- Natalie Teeger: No! [laughs]
- Adrian Monk: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No. No. Not…not…no.
- Dianne Brooks: Ok. Where are you sitting?
- Adrian Monk: Uh, we're not-
- Dianne Brooks: Kyle and I are right over here. We saved you a seat. Oh, and fair warning - we brought a lot of pictures. [Natalie laughs and they start walking in that general direction]
- Natalie Teeger: See? You have a friend!
- Adrian Monk: Not really. She was Trudy's roommate, freshman year.
- Natalie Teeger: Well she saved us a seat!
- Adrian Monk: Out of pity. These are what we call "pity seats".
- [Monk and Natalie are having lunch with Kyle and Dianne Brooks]
- Natalie Teeger: So, Kyle, you didn’t go to Berkeley?
- Kyle Brooks: Me? Hell, no. Community college. C.C. all the way. Never had much of that book learning.
- Dianne Brooks: Kyle works for my father now. He’s one of our top salespeople.
- Kyle Brooks: Yeah. It’s like Monopoly money. Daddy pays me, and I give it all to her.
- Dianne Brooks: Kyle, not now. You promised.
- Kyle Brooks: So, Adrian, what do you do?
- Adrian Monk: I’m a private detective. I do some consulting.
- Kyle Brooks: [gulps on his drink] Really? Sorry. You don’t look like a detective. [Dianne hands Natalie a photo]
- Dianne Brooks: We don’t have any children, so we just show pictures of our house instead.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh! Well it’s beautiful!
- Dianne Brooks: We designed it ourselves, and that’s Tangerine. [Monk looks at a wallet photo of Dianne and Kyle, and their black mastiff, Tangerine]
- Adrian Monk: Wait. Didn’t you used to have a dog named Tangerine?
- Dianne Brooks: What a memory! That’s amazing! Trudy was always bragging about his amazing memory! That’s right. I had a poodle, junior and senior year, Tangerine.
- Adrian Monk: That’s right.
- Dianne Brooks: And then Kyle brought home this big ball of love a couple of weeks ago.
- Kyle Brooks: Yeah. He was already named. That’s what they were calling him at the shelter. “Tangerine”.
- Dianne Brooks: Isn’t that funny? I mean, what are the odds of that?
- [Monk and Natalie are walking down a dormitory corridor]
- Adrian Monk: ...one in a million, maybe one in a trillion!
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, forget about the dog!
- Adrian Monk: Well how could the same person have two dogs, 25 years apart, just happened to be named Tangerine? "Tangerine"? And this Tangerine is black!
- Natalie Teeger: Why would anybody lie about a dog's name?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know, but... there is something weird about that guy. Dianne said that he couldn't wait to meet me, but he didn't even know I was a detective!
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! Let's have some fun! [snaps her fingers] You said you were going to show me your dorm room!
- Adrian Monk: All right, well, it's right here.
- Natalie Teeger: Ooh!
- Adrian Monk: This is it, old #303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob! [The camera pans to a necktie hanging from the doorknob. Natalie laughs] My roommate and I did the same thing, it's a code.
- Natalie Teeger: [grins] Yeah! I think I might know about that.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. Means, "Don't come in! I'm reorganizing my closet!" [beat; Natalie stares at him incredulously]
- Natalie Teeger: Your closet?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. My roommate in freshman year, Greg, he reorganized his closet, four or five times a week.
- Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh, and did his girlfriend ever come over to help?
- Adrian Monk: Oh yeah. All the time. They were real neat freaks. I used to tease them about it. [clenches his teeth] "Neat freaks!"
- [Monk freezes, noticing something in the student lounge]
- Adrian Monk: Oh my God. Oh…my…God! [Natalie moves aside] I…can’t…believe it! [They walk in] He’s still here. Hello, old friend. [Monk walks over to the refrigerator] Remember me? Oh, I knew we’d meet again. It is our destiny! [Monk puts his hand on the freezer door] Natalie, put your hand right there. [Natalie smiles and puts her right hand against the door]
- Adrian Monk: You feel that? [beat]
- Natalie Teeger: No.
- Adrian Monk: He’s afraid. Step back. Step back. [pulls his hand into his sleeve] I’m going in. [Monk opens the freezer door, revealing a large mountain of frost. Natalie grimaces, disgusted]
- [Monk notices that a big wall of snow has built up inside the fridge in the student lounge]
- Adrian Monk: [bites his lip] I'm going to need a spatula, a pan....and a Bible. [Natalie stares at him]
- [Cuts to Monk defrosting the fridge with a blowdryer, spatula, and a dustpan while Natalie is napping on the couch]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There you are!
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was about to give up when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator. Who's Captain Cool?
- [Monk and Natalie stare at each other. Two students come through]
- First Student: Captain Cool lives!
- Second Student: The return of Captain Cool!
- First Student: The Iceman cometh back! [They head down the hall, laughing raucously]
- Adrian Monk: Might be me. [Stottlemeyer gives him a look that silently says, "I thought so." Monk turns and resumes defrosting]
- Adrian Monk: Katherine Rutherford?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell? She was a nurse here at the school clinic. [points to Monk's lapel pin] Found one of these near her body.
- Adrian Monk: A reunion pin?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Did you notice anyone missing a pin?
- Adrian Monk: I haven't noticed.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess not. [Randy comes up to them]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, Monk. How's memory lane?
- Adrian Monk: Ah, it's pretty awful. Thanks for asking.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I was at the security office going through some old files. I think we have a name: Henry Kalimarakis.
- Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, oh, oh, he was on the swim team.
- Lt. Randall Disher: That's correct. He was trying out for the Olympics. 25 years ago, Nurse Rutherford administered a drug test. Henry came back positive for steroids. She turned him in. He threatened her; said she ruined his life.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that's what the kids call a motive.
- Natalie Teeger: Then he waited 25 years to do something about it? Who could hold a grudge for that long?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I could. And have. Let's check him out. Wanna come with?
- Adrian Monk: Maybe later. I want to show Natalie the library.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I was just there; there's nothing special.
- Natalie Teeger: It's where he met Trudy.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Have fun. [Monk and Natalie leave]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oops. I didn’t know he met Trudy there.
- [Monk and Natalie are in the library]
- Adrian Monk: I used to work here part-time. It was here. I was standing right here. It was a Tuesday, 4:30. She was wearing a white blouse. There was a button missing. There was a little thread sticking out.
- Natalie Teeger: [smiles] You remember it like it was yesterday.
- Adrian Monk: It was yesterday.
- [Adrian recalls his first meeting with Trudy as he is organizing books]
- Trudy Ellison: Excuse me. Hello. I can’t find a book. [Adrian looks at her] This is not the Dewey decimal system that I know and love. Do you work here?
- Young Adrian Monk: Yes, I…yes, I do. Um, here’s the thing. Um, we’re reorganizing, and we’re moving all the stacks upstairs. What are you looking for?
- Trudy Ellison: Trevor Rosenthal’s biography of Alexander Pope. Volume II.
- Young Adrian Monk: Right. Yeah. I… [He walks over to another stack, grabs a book, and hands it to Trudy]
- Trudy Ellison: [astonished] How did you do that?
- Young Adrian Monk: I saw it last week.
- Trudy Ellison: And you remembered?
- Young Adrian Monk: If I see something once, I never forget it.
- Trudy Ellison: That sounds pretty awful. My bad memory’s my salvation. [Adrian hands the book to her]
- Young Adrian Monk: “Thus let me live, unseen, unknown. Thus unlamented, let me die. Steal…”
- Trudy Ellison: “Steal from the world, and not a stone tell where I lie.” You know Alexander Pope. So you never forget anything? For example, you’re never going to forget this? Me, us, talking right now?
- [Monk has explained to Natalie how he met Trudy]
- Adrian Monk: And that’s how I got her number.
- Natalie Teeger: Wait, wait, wait. You mean when he wrote it on your back, you could feel it? You-you could do that?
- Adrian Monk: I have very sensitive skin.
- Natalie Teeger: That’s like a superpower! Like a very weird, not very useful superpower!
- Adrian Monk: It took me three weeks to call her. It was the bravest thing I ever did. She was already dating that other guy Drew.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, but she chose you! Never forget that! She chose you.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, I don’t know why. And he was just written up in TIME Magazine last year. He’s a famous heart surgeon. He’s rich. He’s happy. What was she thinking?
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, she knew exactly what she was doing!
- [Monk is looking at the cluttered information kiosk]
- Adrian Monk: I can’t believe this kiosk got all cluttered again.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, well, I guess you’ll have to just come back for your 50th. Okay, come on. Come on. Come on.
- [As they are about to leave, Dianne Brooks shows up, nervous]
- Dianne Brooks: Adrian! Oh my God, did you hear about Nurse Rutherford?
- Adrian Monk: Uh, yes. We were just talking about it.
- Dianne Brooks: Can you believe it? The police are here. They’re talking to everybody. They said she was killed.
- Natalie Teeger: Were you close with her?
- Dianne Brooks: I haven’t talked to her for years, but…well, still.
- Adrian Monk: Horrible. It’s horrible.
- [Kyle approaches Monk, Natalie and Dianne with an older woman in tow]
- Kyle Brooks: Dianne. Hey, honey, are you okay? [gives Dianne a kiss on the forehead, and turns to the lady with him] The nurse who died, Rutherford, apparently Dianne used to know her. These things happen, right? I mean, it’s a big city. [Monk turns to the other woman]
- Adrian Monk: Hello.
- Kyle Brooks: Oh I’m so sorry. Have you all met? This is Trudy.
- Gertrude: Gertrude.
- Kyle Brooks: But your nickname’s Trudy, right?
- Gertrude: I--I had an aunt that called me Trudy.
- Kyle Brooks: So it’s Trudy! Trudy and I met over at the fountain, and I’ve invited her to join us for lunch.
- Natalie Teeger: Okay! All right! Where are we eating?
- Kyle Brooks: How about Rocco’s?
- Dianne Brooks: Rocco’s?
- Kyle Brooks: Rocco’s! Honey, you’ve been telling me about Rocco’s for years! You said it was your favorite hangout.
- Dianne Brooks: Honey, I’m not even sure it’s still there!
- Adrian Monk: No, no, no.
- Kyle Brooks: It is. I checked.
- Adrian Monk: Rocco’s…you don’t want…that place is terrible. They have this rotisserie thing in the window with this one sad, lonely hot dog, going around and around-
- Kyle Brooks: It sounds great! Huh? Come on, I am not taking "no" for an answer! It’ll be my treat. Come on. Let’s go have lunch, huh?
- [Monk and Natalie are roped into accompanying Kyle and Dianne Brooks to lunch]
- Natalie Teeger: Who is this guy?
- Adrian Monk: I don’t know. I can’t believe I’m eating at Rocco’s again! I used to have nightmares about that hot dog!
- Natalie Teeger: Oh look! There's a reception for all current and past chess club members. Weren't you in the chess club? That sounds like fun. [Monk gives her an odd look] You never know. It might be fun.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, have you ever seen a chess club?
- Natalie Teeger: What are you doing? [Monk is picking at weeds underneath the bench Natalie is sitting on]
- Adrian Monk: Weeds.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are weeds everywhere! What are you gonna do? Clean up the whole campus?
- [Stottlemeyer is at the clinic's office]
- Clinic Doctor: Here it is. Katherine Rutherford's employment file. [He hands a file to Stottlemeyer, who flips through it]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So if there were any complaints or any grievances against her, they'd be in here, right?
- Clinic Doctor: Yeah we'd have a copy of it, but I can't think of anyone who had anything bad to say about her. Katie was an angel; a great nurse. It's just heartbreaking. Say, did you go to school here?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Me? No.
- Clinic Doctor: Oh you look familiar. Uh, maybe one of your kids?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I was here one time though, for a No Nukes rally. It was a long time ago.
- Clinic Doctor: Yeah, that must be it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Must be. [Randy walks up]
- Lt Randall Disher: Captain? I, uh, tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. [looks at his notes] Number One: it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He uh, got a waiver.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Right, and Number Two, he's dead. He died in 1995. [Stottlemeyer straightens up] And Number Three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s so there's no record of him returning to the United States-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy! Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but, could you read Number Two again?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okey-doke. Uh, he's dead.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right.......see, I probably would've stopped reading after Number Two. In fact I would have read Number Two first. [beat]
- Lt. Randall Disher: You would have switched them?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [notices the file in Stottlemeyer's hand] Anything in her file?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Not a single complaint.
- [Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher interview Dianne Brooks about Katherine Rutherford]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was a lovely wreath.
- Lt. Randall Disher: She must have meant a lot to you.
- Dianne Brooks: Katherine Rutherford saved my life. My senior year was really tough for me.
- Adrian Monk: I remember. Your mother passed away.
- Dianne Brooks: That’s right. I was in a really bad place. So, I wrote a note, a suicide note, and…I don’t even remember what it said, and I took 53 little white pills. Katherine was worried about me so she came by the apartment, she broke down the door, and she called 911. I wouldn’t be here today. A wreath, you know, a few flowers, it’s the least I could do.
- [Kyle has roped Monk, Natalie and Dianne into playing touch football with him]
- Kyle Brooks: Okay. Everybody, let’s huddle up. Come on, everybody in. All right. All right, Adrian, I want you to go out, and then cut over to the left.
- Adrian Monk: [following Kyle's fingers on his palm] So that’s one inch up, and three inches to the left?
- Natalie Teeger: No, no, Mr. Monk, it’s like a map. Like a scale map.
- Adrian Monk: Okay. What’s the scale?
- Kyle Brooks: I don’t know. Uh, one inch is 20 feet.
- Adrian Monk: So, that’s 60 feet. I’m going to be in the shrubs. You’re sending me into the shrubs?
- Kyle Brooks: Okay, you know what? Let’s keep it simple. All right? Everybody just go out, try and get open, and if you get the ball, don’t get touched!
- Natalie Teeger: Okay. Give the ball to Mr. Monk. He hates being touched!
- Kyle Brooks: All right, break! Here we go! Here we go! Adrian, you hike it to me. And ready, hike! [Monk hesitates to pick the ball up] Adrian, hike! [Monk continues to hesitate]
- Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk. [Monk tries using his pinkies, then switches to his thumbs]
- Guy on rival team: What’s up?
- Natalie Teeger: Do it.
- [Monk picks up the ball by its thread, trying his best barely to touch it with his fingers. He throws it at Kyle]
- Guy on rival team: There it is! All right! [Kyle catches the ball. He throws it Natalie, and she throws it to Monk. He catches the ball, and like a ballerina weaves his way in slo-mo through the opponents]
- Natalie Teeger: Look out! Go, go, go, go, go!
- [Monk reaches the end zone]
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah! Yeah, Mr. Monk! [jumps up and down in joy]
- [Dianne is quarterback for the second round; she throws to Kyle, but the ball sails over him and breaks the protective glass covering the kiosk map behind him]
- Kyle Brooks: Sorry! That was my bad! It was the sun in my eyes!
- Dianne Brooks: Oh my God, that is so weird! I can’t believe that happened again!
- Natalie Teeger: What?
- Dianne Brooks: I broke a window in the science building, right over there, my senior year. I tried to force it open, and it just shattered. Guess the jinx continues, huh?
- [Monk and Natalie are sitting at their own table during the reunion dinner. As they watch, Monk taps Natalie's shoulder and points at Kyle Brooks, standing with Dianne by the bar]
- Adrian Monk: He missed that ball on purpose. He dropped his hands. [Natalie gives an exasperated groan] I think he wanted her to break that glass!
- Natalie Teeger: Well why, Mr. Monk?
- Adrian Monk: And the dog? What about the dog with the same name and how he insisted that everyone eat at Rocco's? What was that all about?
- Natalie Teeger: I don't know! Maybe the guy is eccentric!
- Adrian Monk: No, I'm eccentric. He's up to something. [The projecter displays a picture of Monk and Trudy sitting on a campus bench]
- Natalie Teeger: Ooh! Yay! [claps enthusiastically to herself]
- Woman at Next Table: That’s Trudy Ellison and…um…what was his name? [Natalie turns to her]
- Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk.
- Woman at Next Table: No, that’s not it. Um, Anthony something. [Natalie taps her shoulder]
- Natalie Teeger: Excuse me. [points to Monk and repeats his name]
- Woman at Next Table: No, no, that’s not it. It’s…what is his name? [Natalie squeezes Monk's hand reassuringly]
- [Stottlemeyer steps up to the dais]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [flashes his badge] Whoa-whoa, excuse me! [Natalie taps Monk's shoulder] Could you kill the music please? Thank you.
- [the music stops. Stottlemeyer picks up the microphone and receives feedback]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sorry to interrupt your dinner. Uh, this will just take a minute. My name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I'm with the San Francisco Police Department, and we're working on a homicide investigation and could use your help. As you may know, a woman was killed on Friday night. Her name was Katherine Rutherford; she worked as a nurse at the university clinic. [Kyle and Dianne Brooks sit down with Monk and Natalie] Now, we have reason to believe that someone in your class, possibly someone in this room, might be involved. We're looking for information. If anyone knows anyone who might have had a grudge against Mrs. Rutherford, or someone who might be missing a reunion lapel pin. The alumni- [the projector suddenly shows a picture of Stottlemeyer suited up in riot gear. Everyone except for Monk and Natalie begins booing at him. The projector then changes to an image of him throttling a protestor]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ha! All right! Hey, hey, hey! Settle down. Settle down, everybody! This- [takes a quick look at the picture being displayed] This is completely out of context. You can't tell the whole story from one photograph! [On cue, the projector shows an image of Stottlemeyer using a nightstick on another protester. After taking a few seconds of booing from the audience, he finally speaks up]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You didn't have a permit!
- Male Student: Yes we did!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It expired at noon! [The image changes to one of Stottlemeyer pointing at the clock tower, which clearly shows 12:05 PM]
- Male Student: 12:06!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [quietly] Like I said, it expired at noon. Okay, calm down everybody. [Kyle and Dianne stand up. Dianne is visibly drowsy]
- Kyle Brooks: You all right?
- Dianne Brooks: Mmm-mmm.
- Kyle Brooks: Want to leave?
- Dianne Brooks: Mmm.
- Kyle Brooks: [to Monk and Natalie] I’m gonna take her back to the hotel.
- Natalie Teeger: What, is she all right?
- Kyle Brooks: Yeah, she’s been feeling a little depressed lately. I’ll have her lie down, and we’ll be back for the last dance. [He escorts her out of the room. Monk and Natalie continue to stare at the slideshow, shocked. Monk shifts uneasily in his seat]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Um, thank you very much. Thank you for your help.... [someone throws a napkin at him as he steps off the stage]
- Lt. Randall Disher: You forgot to give them the toll-free number.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, I don’t think we’re going to get any hot leads from this group, Randy. [Natalie pulls a set of earrings from her purse]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, shoot! Dianne’s earrings. I forgot to give them back! [Stottlemeyer notices them]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hang on a second. [He takes the earrings, sets them down on a forensic sample in the case file, and holds it in front of Natalie] What do you think?
- Natalie Teeger: Well it looks like they’re from the same set. I mean they match perfectly. [Monk notices a photo of Katherine Rutherford being displayed on the projector]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whose earrings are these?
- Adrian Monk: Dianne Brooks. She and her husband left about a half an hour ago. He said she was depressed. He’s been saying that all week-
- Lt. Randall Disher: Were they in town Friday night?
- Natalie Teeger: Um, yeah, they got in the day before. [Monk stands up]
- Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Captain, I think Dianne is in danger. I think her husband is planning to kill her. Tonight.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Why did he kill the nurse?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He had no choice! Katherine Rutherford read that note twenty-five years ago. It would have been made public, she would have recognized it!
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my God, Mr. Monk! He could be doing it right now! [Stottlemeyer and Disher reach the registration station]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The registration sheets are all gone!
- Adrian Monk: Oh!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, do you have a cell phone number?
- Adrian Monk: No.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Do you know where they stayed?
- Adrian Monk: [sighs, exasperated] Some hotel!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There are over two hundred hotels in this city, Monk! It’ll take us over five hours to check them all!
- Adrian Monk: Hold on. Hold on! [rolls his shoulders forward a couple of times]
- Lt. Randall Disher: What’s he doing?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don’t know. What are you doing?
- Adrian Monk: The hotel where they’re staying. It was on their registration form.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah? So?
- Adrian Monk: When Dianne signed in… [flashback to Dianne filling her registration sheet out on Monk’s back] We were standing in line. She wrote…she wrote on my back. [Natalie smiles]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Can he do that?
- Natalie Teeger: It's how he met Trudy! It’s his superpower!
- Adrian Monk: Oh, there’s her name. Home address.
- Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, it was near the bottom.
- Adrian Monk: She has terrible penmanship. Why did it have to be cursive? [makes what almost appear to be muscle spasms as he tries to remember what Dianne wrote] She ordered the prime rib, medium rare.
- Natalie Teeger: Keep going. It’s just below that!
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, there’s an L, uh, L-E... Lexus! Is there a Lexus Hotel?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No that’s the car they drove, Monk!
- Natalie Teeger: Keep going. [Monk finally reaches the section with the hotel name]
- Adrian Monk: There’s a “P”, “P”, No! “P”, “P”, “B”! “B”! “B”!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: “B”?
- Adrian Monk: It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” “L.”
- Natalie Teeger and Captain Stottlemeyer: Bla…
- Adrian Monk: “A.”
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Bla…The Blaza…
- Lt. Randall Disher: The Blaza! Plaza!
- Adrian Monk: B-L-A…The Bla…The Blab…
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Blakemore Hotel!
- Lt. Randall Disher: It’s right up the street! [They take off]
Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08]
[edit]- [first lines; roadie Stork Murray makes his way across the grounds]
- Stork Murray: Hey, Billy, have you seen Kris Kedder?
- Billy: Check his trailer. [Stork walks down the steps, and crosses over to a parked RV. He pounds on the door a few times. He turns and sees Kedder approaching]
- Kris Kedder: Hey man. What's going on? [Stork pulls a CD out of his pocket] Where did you get that?
- Stork Murray: Disk jockey I know. They sent him an advanced copy.
- Kris Kedder: Do you like that cover? That was my idea.
- Stork Murray: Stealing my credit, stealing my song, was that your idea, too?
- Kris Kedder: What? Your name's not on there?
- Stork Murray: No, don't give me that! "Peggy's Gone to Memphis, Words and Music by Kris Kedder"! You know, you told me if I kept my mouth shut, if I was a good boy, that you'd take care of me! [shrugs] I guess you figure I'm just some dumb roadie that you can rip off and nobody's going to care.
- Kris Kedder: Okay, Stork, my man, let's just relax. Huh, I was going to talk to you about this. I'm going to offer you five grand.
- Stork Murray: [scoffs] Five grand, for a hit song?!
- Kris Kedder: Look, dude, you've got talent! You co-wrote a great song, but you don't understand how the business works.
- Stork Murray: I didn't co-write anything! I wrote that song! Every note, every line! I let you take half-credit because you said it would jumpstart my career!
- Kris Kedder: All right, all right, all right, all right! Look, shhh! Just keep your voice down. Come here.
- Stork Murray: What's the matter? You don't want anybody to see us?
- Kris Kedder: No, just come here! [He leads Stork over to a secluded spot behind the trailer]
- Stork Murray: Yeah, hey, you know what, I don’t blame you! Rock and roll legend hasn’t written a half-decent song in ten years! But I've got some bad news for you, rockstar: I can prove I wrote that song. I made copies of the sheet music, sent it to myself, registered mail.
- Kris Kedder: ....That's not legal.
- Stork Murray: You want to bet your career on that? [Stork takes out his cell phone and dials a number off a slip of paper]
- Kris Kedder: What are you doing?
- Stork Murray: I'm calling a copyright lawyer! I'm taking my song back!
- Kris Kedder: All right, look, you win, you get half-credit!
- Stork Murray: Listen, Jackson. All right, my name is- [Kedder strikes Stork over the head with a beer bottle] Ugh! [As Stork lies on the ground, dying, Kedder quickly takes his inhaler]
- [Monk and Natalie show up at the police station. Stottlemeyer is filing paperwork]
- Natalie Teeger: Captain!
- Adrian Monk: Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. I mean, I wouldn't be here if I could drive or had anything else to do.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, I give up. What is it? [Natalie produces a check]
- Natalie Teeger: It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you going to do about it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
- Natalie Teeger: No-no-no-no! We've already submitted this twice! It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation!
- Adrian Monk: Not my idea.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you guys are entitled to every dime you can get, but, there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the Disbursement Coordinator.
- Natalie Teeger: Okay, where is he?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, he's not here. He called in sick.
- Adrian Monk: Is he okay?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, he didn't sound too good. He's got a bad fever and he's got a cough.
- Adrian Monk: With that phlegmy flu thing? [Natalie waves her hands frantically to get Stottlemeyer's attention]
- Natalie Teeger: Okay-okay! When Randy is not here, who is in charge of payout?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That would be the Assistant Disbursement Coordinator.
- Natalie Teeger: And who is that?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [slams a filing cabinet shut] We don't have one. Is there anything else?
- Adrian Monk: Nah, that about covers it.
- [Stottlemeyer has received a phone call from his ex-wife]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [laughs] My kid, my oldest, has skipped school, and Karen thinks he’s gone to a rock show.
- Adrian Monk: Oh, I used to do that! Play hooky. Go to rock shows. [Natalie looks at him skeptically]
- Natalie Teeger: You did?
- Adrian Monk: All the time.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Anyhow, I've gotta get up there and see if I can find him.
- Adrian Monk: Okay.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, you need some help?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you know, I wouldn't mind. Thank you. [starts towards the door]
- Adrian Monk: I'll come with you.
- Natalie Teeger: Are you sure?
- Adrian Monk: Of course I'm sure!
- Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry! I just can't picture you at one of these!
- Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones!
- [Cuts to Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer walking through the parking lot]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at this mess! Oh for God's sakes, it's gonna take me all day to find him here! I'm gonna miss a whole day's work! An entire day! I'm going to wring his little neck!
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, he's just a kid! Don't you just want to stay out here for a minute and calm down before you go inside?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No!
- Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, hold on! What kind of rock show is this?
- Natalie Teeger: It's the biggest festival of the year!
- Adrian Monk: Festival? [Realizing Monk's mistake, Natalie bursts out laughing]
- Natalie Teeger: Wait-wait-wait, Mr. Monk! You thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit, like a museum?
- Adrian Monk: Maybe. It's a perfectly understandable mistake.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not really.
- Adrian Monk: Okay, well, no harm done. So, I guess I’ll need a ride home.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I’m not going home without my kid.
- Adrian Monk: All right, look, I, I, I can’t…! [A passerby bumps into Monk]
- Passerby: Move it!
- Adrian Monk: I can’t do it! I, I can’t go in there!
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! The Captain needs you!
- Adrian Monk: But there's-- 10,000 of them, and not even one of me!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, look, I understand, Monk. Why don’t you just go wait by the car?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, I’ll go wait by the car.
- Natalie Teeger: OK, it’s going to be a while!
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. Take your time. But, but hurry back. But take your time. Hurry back. [trails off; as Natalie and Stottlemeyer stare at him in confusion]
- [Natalie and Stottlemeyer reach the entrance. Stottlemeyer shows his badge]
- Head Security Guard: How can I help you?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I’m looking for my son.
- Head Security Guard: Okay. [starts writing information down on paper]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He’s fifteen…
- Head Security Guard: [writes it down] "He’s fifteen...."
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wearing a gray t-shirt. About 5’6”.
- Head Security Guard: "...5’6”. Fifteen...."
- Natalie Teeger: Isn’t he sixteen?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right, he’s sixteen.
- Head Security Guard: Okay, sixteen.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brown hair.
- Head Security Guard: "...Brown hair...."
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wearing an earring.
- Head Security Guard: "...Earring." Which ear?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhhh....
- Natalie Teeger: Left ear.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Left ear.
- Head Security Guard: "...Left ear earring." Hey, listen, you got a picture? We can make copies and pass it out.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Good idea. Yeah. [pulls a photo of Jared out of his wallet; we can tell that it's obviously a very old photo] Well, that’s Jared. Jared Stottlemeyer.
- Head Security Guard: [skeptically] He’s sixteen? This kid?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, no, that’s an old picture.
- Head Security Guard: You don’t have anything more recent? [Stottlemeyer searches his wallet, but comes up empty]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess not.
- Head Security Guard: All right, look: I’m gonna do what I can. Meanwhile, you guys take these. [hands Stottlemeyer and Natalie passes] You’ll have full access, backstage, wherever you want. If you still can’t find him, we’ll make an announcement from the stage. All right?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I appreciate it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [imagining Natalie is conversing with him] What? You think I don't spend enough time with Jared. [beat] Why, because I haven't got a bunch of pictures of him? Doesn't mean anything. How many pictures of Julie do you walk around with? [beat] Oh, I get it: You think I'm avoiding the boys on purpose because I feel guilty about the separation, and the fact that I'm dating Linda. Is that it? [beat] Don't you ever shut up? All right, you go that way. Keep your cell phone on. Give me a call if you find him.
- [Monk is left out in the parking lot, where there are several tailgate parties in progress]
- Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Excuse me! There’s no dancing here! This is a parking area! This is for vehicles and people waiting for the Captain! I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules! [A man at one of the tailgate parties nearby turns to Monk]
- Man at Tailgate Party: That’s right. You don’t. [Monk turns and sees a couple making out on the hood of Stottlemeyer's car]
- Adrian Monk: What are you doing?! Hey, this is the police captain’s car! How old are you? There’s no way you’re twenty-five! Excuse me! Attention, may I have your attention please?
- [Monk is making his way through the crowd, searching for the payphones]
- Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Sorry! [Monk tries turning to a man punching his fist in the air] Payphone? This way? That way? This way? That way? Sorry, am I heading towards a payphone?! [A blue beach ball hits him on the head] Hey!
- Tan Girl: Over here! Over here! [Monk throws the ball to her]
- Adrian Monk: Try to minimize the roughhousing! Can we? Phone?
- [Monk finds the phones. He pulls out a handkerchief, preparing to grab the receiver, at which point he is struck by the same beachball]
- Adrian Monk: Agh! All right, who threw that?! Who threw that? Gi-give me that! [The ball is tossed over to him] Who was it?! You have to watch what you're doing! I've seen people's eyes poked out with these things! Well, not poked out, but, cornea was scratched or bruised, or....discoloration! I'm next for the phone... [Monk walks into a port-a-potty a few feet to the left of the payphones and shuts the door behind him. A minute later, he exits, refreshed]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh! Oh! [rushes over, exasperated] Mr. Monk! What are you doing?!
- Adrian Monk: I was just...calling for a taxi; they're going to pick me up out front in about ten minutes! [Natalie smiles]
- Natalie Teeger: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth!
- Adrian Monk: No. No that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, it was that horrible, plastic outhouse! [Natalie loops her arm around his and leads him away] Oh my God, what was I talking into?! Oh my God, where...where did I put that quarter?! For the love of God, Natalie! Where did I put that quarter?! [A repairman jimmies the port-a-potty next to them and Stork's body falls out]
- Natalie Teeger: [gasps] Oh my God!
- [A woman behind them screams. Natalie grabs Monk's shoulder and covers her mouth, shocked]
- [Monk and Natalie are conversing after Monk's unexpected trip into a port-a-potty]
- Adrian Monk: [wiping his neck] Ugh, how long do you think I was in there?
- Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. Maybe a minute!
- Adrian Monk: That was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device, that one.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I know. I actually read that the Spanish Inquisition used to lock people in port-a-johns.
- Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me. [a beachball smacks Monk in the cheek] Ow! All--all right, it's-it's-it's time to go. [He starts to walk away; Natalie grabs him by the arm]
- Natalie Teeger: No-no-no, Mr. Monk! We haven't found the Captain's son!
- Adrian Monk: Uh- [A young woman, Kendra Frank, appears]
- Kendra Frank: Excuse me! Excuse me! Hi. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective?
- Adrian Monk: That's true, I am "some kind of detective"....
- Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie with Trafalgar. [Kendra shakes hands with Monk]
- Adrian Monk: Now, here..... [Monk offers Kendra a wipe]
- Kendra Frank: I was a friend of Stork's. [She hands Monk's wipe to Natalie] Here. [sighs] I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
- Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh, and, uh, Stork is?
- Kendra Frank: The roadie! [angrily] The roadie they just found!
- Natalie Teeger: Oh! God, I'm so sorry. [Monk gives Kendra a puzzled look]
- Adrian Monk: "Stork"?
- Kendra Frank: His real name was Greg Murray. Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd! Okay?! That's impossible! He's been clean for 17 months! I know, I talked to him about it every day!
- Natalie Teeger: Well, Kendra, we were there. We saw a needle in his arm-
- Kendra Frank: No, that's how I know there's something wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles! He was the only roadie I've ever met that didn't even have one tattoo! I mean he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated!
- Natalie Teeger: Maybe he got over it. [A look of rage flashes across Kendra's face]
- Kendra Frank: You don't just get over a phobia like that overnight!! Do you?!
- Adrian Monk: No. [shakes his head] You don't.
- Kendra Frank: So, please! [She holds up a leather "Trafalgar World Tour - 2001-2002" jacket in her left hand]
- Adrian Monk: Wha--What is this?
- Kendra Frank: Well they gave me his stuff, so, uh, it's his tour jacket. [Natalie holds Stork's jacket while Monk searches the pockets. He finds a folded piece of paper]
- Adrian Monk: Is this a map?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have one of those. They--they gave it out at the door. [Monk unfolds the map and sees a circle around the acupuncture tent with the time "7:30" underneath it]
- Adrian Monk: You say he was afraid of needles?
- Kendra Frank: Yeah, that's right.
- Adrian Monk: He had an...acupuncture appointment at 7:30 this morning-
- Kendra Frank: WHAT?! [Monk hands Kendra the map. After a brief glance, she looks up and glowers menacingly at him]
- [Monk, Natalie, and Kendra are questioning an acupuncturist about her encounter with "Stork"]
- Annie: Black bandanna and sunglasses?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it was this morning around 7:30?
- Annie: I remember. He was my first patient. [pause] Oh was that the boy who died? The overdose? Heartbreaking. [to her patient] How does that feel?
- Adrian Monk: Horrible. [Monk recoils in pain as Annie inserts another needle into her patient's back] Ow! [Kendra shows Annie a picture]
- Kendra Frank: Look, are you sure that's him? [We see it is a photo of Kendra and Stork posing together]
- Annie: He was a friend of yours. I'm sorry.
- Natalie Teeger: Did he say anything?
- Annie: No, not much. He just told me a story about how he met Eric Clapton.
- Kendra Frank: [to Monk and Natalie] He loved Eric Clapton. [Annie fidgets around for something]
- Annie: No.... [Monk touches a needle on Annie's patient, and the patient promptly writhes in pain. Natalie glares at Monk]
- Natalie Teeger: Detective!
- Annie: And he dropped this. [She shows them an earring]
- Kendra Frank: Oh my God, I made this for him! He loved this earring! [Monk reaches out to try to straighten the same needle. Natalie swats his arm aside]
- Adrian Monk: Did he say anything else? [Annie blanks out]
- Kendra Frank: Please, Annie! I have to know!
- Annie: [sighs] He asked me where could score some H.
- Adrian Monk: Heroin. H. Starts with an "H," heroin. It's street talk.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah. I get it.
- Annie: He said he was giving up; he wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles but he got over it.
- Kendra Frank: I don't believe this!
- Annie: Well I guess he's with Kurt, Jimi, and Janis now.
- Adrian Monk: Who?
- Natalie Teeger: I'll tell you later.
- Annie: Well then he paid me and left.
- Adrian Monk: Did he... talk to anyone else?
- Annie: No. Oh, but before he left, he helped some kid, some girl. She had a beachball. She was having trouble with it so he blew it up for her.
- Adrian Monk: A blue beachball?
- Annie: Mmm-hmm. I think so.
- Adrian Monk: He blew that up? Thing almost killed me! I hate that beachball!
- Kendra Frank: So it's true. They were right, he OD'd.
- Adrian Monk: I'm so sorry....
- Kendra Frank: Well, thank you for trying. [They start to walk away. Monk stops to touch a heat lamp bulb]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! No! No-no-no-no-no-no! That's 400 watts! [Monk withdraws his arm, and starts to walk away, but cannot resist stepping back to touch it with his right arm. Natalie tries to restrain his right arm] No! No! [Monk reaches his left hand over and burns his left pointer finger]
- Adrian Monk: Ow! [He makes sure to burn his right pointer finger as well on the same bulb so that his hands are symmetrical, and then leaves]
- [Monk and Natalie are at the first aid clinic after Monk has burnt his pointer fingers. The medic is giving Natalie an ointment]
- First Aid Medic: This should help. Just rub this in twice a day. Did he really touch a heat lamp? [Natalie nods] Why?
- Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
- First Aid Medic: What about the other hand?
- Natalie Teeger: He kept touching it. [pause; she waves her hand dismissingly] I don't know. [Monk walks over to the stretcher that Stork's body is resting on, screened off from the public. Natalie and the medic join him]
- First Aid Medic: They found him in a port-a-john. Can you believe it?
- Natalie Teeger: I know, we were there when it happened. He was so young.
- First Aid Medic: Overdose. The medical examiner will be here soon. If you could just step back-
- Adrian Monk: No-no-no. It's okay. I'm a police officer. At least I used to be. There's no mud.
- Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
- Adrian Monk: On his boots. There's no mud. There was mud all around those outhouses.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, well they carried him out.
- Adrian Monk: Okay, but who carried him in? [He pulls off the sheet covering the body] No other track marks. [notices the victim's personal effects] Are these his? [The medic nods. Monk picks up a rubber strap] This rubber strap was around his arm?
- First Aid Medic: That's right. I took it off myself.
- Adrian Monk: Do you work with drug addicts a lot?
- First Aid Medic: [shrugs] It goes with the territory.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie? [Natalie extends her right arm out. Monk gently drapes the strap above her elbow] Do they wrap it around like this, and tie it in a knot?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, like....like this. [With some difficulty, she uses her left thumb to create an improvised knot]
- Adrian Monk: And then, they pull it tight with their teeth?
- First Aid Medic: That's right.
- Natalie Teeger: I'm not doing that!
- Adrian Monk: There's no other way to tie off your own arm?
- First Aid Medic: No, sir. [Monk looks at the strap more closely]
- Adrian Monk: No teeth marks.
- Natalie Teeger: Someone tied it for him.
- [Stottlemeyer and Disher are leading Jared back to the car]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forget about it, Jared. You're under house arrest; you're grounded for two weeks! [Monk, Natalie and Kendra catch up with them]
- Adrian Monk: Captain! Captain!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, can we get out of here? [notices Kendra] Who's this?
- Natalie Teeger: This is Kendra. She's a friend of the guy they found in the port-a-john.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Overdose?
- Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I think he was murdered. We can't leave yet.
- [Kris Kedder is playing "Peggy's Gone to Memphis"]
- Kris Kedder: [singing] "Peg, I miss you so-" [Monk, Natalie and Kendra show up. Kedder stops]
- Kendra Frank: Excuse me. This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're with the cops.
- Roadie in Hawaiian shirt: Cops?
- Kendra Frank: Yeah, they're looking into what happened to Stork.
- Kris Kedder: What's the big mystery? He's been chasing that dragon for years. I tried to help him. [Kendra glares at Kedder]
- Kendra Frank: When did you try to help him?! [to Monk] See now that he's dead, everyone's his best friend! [to Kedder] Where were you when he was sinking?
- Kris Kedder: Where were you?
- [Kedder resumes playing. Monk and Kendra exchange looks]
- Kris Kedder: "Peggy's gone to Memphis / She didn't wanna go / Signed that piece of paper / Now Daddy's all alone..."
- Natalie Teeger: That's a nice song.
- Kris Kedder: Thank you. It comes out next week. You should buy a copy. In fact, buy two. I've got my eyes on this new beachhouse.
- Adrian Monk: You are Kris Kedder, the famous rock-and-roll... song singer? [Several of the young women sitting behind Kedder stifle laughs]
- Kris Kedder: I guess I am. [Monk produces an evidence bag containing the guitar string Stottlemeyer found in the outhouse]
- Adrian Monk: Right. This was found at the [crime] scene. It is from a 12 string guitar.
- Natalie Teeger: You're the only musician that has one.
- Kris Kedder: I am.
- Roadie in Hawaiian Shirt: So what are you saying? That Stork was strangled?
- Adrian Monk: I'm not saying anything. Just asking questions. Let's all just chill, you know, out.
- Kris Kedder: Hey man, anybody could have taken it. I don't lock my case. [He plays another chord, off-key]
- Adrian Monk: You're out of tune? [Kedder looks up]
- Kris Kedder: Do you play, Mr. Monk?
- Adrian Monk: A little bit. Clarinet.
- Kris Kedder: Wow, clarinet? Hey, man, you and I should jam some time. When I'm, like, 87 years old.
- Adrian Monk: You have mud on your boots. [Kedder lifts up his foot so Monk can see the soles of his boots]
- Kris Kedder: Yes, I do. I must be at a rock festival.
- Adrian Monk: It's just that I don't see mud on anybody else's shoes.
- Kris Kedder: I see some on yours. [Monk lifts up his foot to look at the soles of his shoes. Kedder and the women laugh. Monk quickly turns to Kendra]
- Adrian Monk: You were going to show me where Stork lived?
- Kendra Frank: Yeah, he had a camper. It's back here. [She starts walking in that direction]
- Kris Kedder: It's locked.
- Kendra Frank: I have a key. He trusted me.
- [Monk, Natalie, and Kendra enter Stork's trailer, joined by Kedder]
- Adrian Monk: He lived in here? [Kendra grins]
- Kendra Frank: Yeah! He loved it! Between gigs he’d take off, camp out. Sometimes I’d go with him. [She picks up and admires a picture]
- Adrian Monk: What did you do if one of you wanted to be happy? [Kedder takes a shot from his inhaler. Monk and Natalie glare at him]
- Kris Kedder: Asthma. Since I was a kid.
- Natalie Teeger: Huh, it smells like mint.
- Kris Kedder: It's imported from Denmark. Want a hit?
- Natalie Teeger: No thanks. [Monk turns over an A to Z rhyming book lying on a table]
- Adrian Monk: Rhyming dictionary? [Kendra looks up at Monk and smiles]
- Kendra Frank: Yeah, he was writing songs. That was his dream. He was really shy about it, though. He wouldn’t even play me his stuff. [Natalie notices a photo of a little girl]
- Natalie Teeger: Who's this?
- Kendra Frank: Oh, that's his daughter, Margaret.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh no! Where is she?
- Kendra Frank: Tennessee. Her mom moved her there after they split. I guess I should call them. I know I have their number somewhere. [Kedder suddenly slaps his head]
- Kris Kedder: Oh hell! I'm late. [Monk, Natalie and Kendra turn towards him] Gotta go be famous. I'll catch you later. [He leaves, but Monk stops him]
- Adrian Monk: "You'll catch me later"? [Kedder chuckles, and leaves. Monk resumes searching the trailer, but he looks uneasy]
- Natalie Teeger: What?
- Adrian Monk: Something's wrong. Did either of you move anything? [Natalie and Kendra look at each other]
- Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. No.
- Kendra Frank: No. [beat]
- Adrian Monk: Something's different. [points to a spot above one of the windows] There was an envelope; a white envelope right there.
- Kendra Frank: There was? [Natalie grabs a blue slip of paper from the spot on the wall Monk is pointing at]
- Natalie Teeger: Huh, it's a receipt. "Registered mail." He mailed something to himself. [Kendra peeks over Natalie's shoulder]
- Kendra Frank: I remember that. That was about six months ago. I went to the post office with him. He was mailing sheet music to himself. He called it his "insurance policy".
- Natalie Teeger: What song?
- Kendra Frank: I don't know.
- Adrian Monk: I think I do: the song Kris Kedder was just singing.
- Kendra Frank: "Peggy's Gone to Memphis". [Monk takes notice of the photo of Stork's daughter]
- Adrian Monk: Kedder didn't write that song. Stork wrote it about his daughter. "Peggy" is short for "Margaret"; "Peggy's Gone to Memphis"!
- Kendra Frank: Oh my God! He just took that envelope! [Monk turns to Kendra]
- Adrian Monk: Can't prove anything without that envelope! [He bolts out the door, followed by Natalie and Kendra]
- [Monk, Natalie and Kendra rush through the crowd towards the stage to get the incriminating envelope back from Kris Kedder, who is performing the stolen song on stage]
- Adrian Monk: Coming through!
- Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! [They stop as the flamethrowers go off, to thunderous applause from the crowd]
- Adrian Monk: Think he still has it on him?
- Natalie Teeger: I don’t know.
- [During the bridge leading into the next chorus, Kedder suddenly takes out the envelope and displays it tauntingly in Monk's direction]
- Kendra Frank: He’s going to burn it! Go, go, go, go!
- Adrian Monk: Excuse me! [They shoulder their way through the crowd, but as they do so, Kedder drops the envelope and it is burned when the flamethrower goes off again. Monk and Natalie stare at each other in disbelief]
- [Stottlemeyer is talking to a repairman]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you put this up? [He shows the handyman a handwritten "OUT OF ORDER" notice]
- Maintenance Employee: Not me, no.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it was definitely locked from the inside?
- Maintenance Employee: Yes, sir. We had to jimmy it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [speaks into his walkie-talkie] He says it was locked from the inside. [Monk is on the hill, communicating with Stottlemeyer]
- Adrian Monk: They could have rigged the lock. Over.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, it would help things if you were to stand a little closer.
- Adrian Monk: That's not gonna happen. Over. [Natalie and Kendra are waiting behind the barrier]
- Kendra Frank: So this is how he does it? From a hundred feet away?
- Natalie Teeger: Not all the time! [Stottlemeyer looks inside the port-a-john]
- Annoyed Girl in line: How long are you gonna be?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
- Annoyed Girl in line: With only one cop?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Um, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop. [points to Monk] And this guy here's a police officer. [gestures to Randy, who is looking towards the stage]
- Lt. Randall Disher: These guys are great. Oh I hope they do "Killer Machine". [calls out] "KILLER MACHINE!" [Natalie and Kendra are not impressed]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into his walkie-talkie] I'm checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
- Adrian Monk: Are they recent? Over.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. There's no rust. [He finds a guitar string on the floor] Hold on. I've got a little piece of wire here. It looks like a guitar string. [shows it to Jared] Is that a B-string?
- Jared Stottlemeyer: No, it' a D; a high-D from a 12-string guitar.
- [As Stottlemeyer searches the crowd for Jared, he notices Randy in attendance. He pulls out his cell phone and calls someone. In the foreground, Randy's phone rings]
- Lt. Randall Disher: [pretending to be wheezy] Hello?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy! How're you doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Captain?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [coughs] What time is it? [long pause]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? [pause] Hey, what's that music I hear?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, [pretends to cough] it's my stereo. It's broken! I can't turn it down!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's loud!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I’m going to get up now. I think I should make myself some soup.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, soup? That’s good. Yeah, fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids..
- Lt. Randall Disher: Fluids. Okay, I will. Thanks for calling, Captain.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take care. [Randy hangs up, turns to a woman next to him and says]
- Lt. Randall Disher: My boss! [Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder, and Randy spins around] Whoa. Captain.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [glaring at him] Lieutenant.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared. [takes one last sip of his beer before setting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]
- [Stottlemeyer goes over to Jared after speaking with the coroner]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Jared. Thanks for your help with that guitar string.
- Jared Stottlemeyer: I didn’t do anything.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure you did. That was an important clue, and I might have missed it without you. We make a pretty good team, huh?
- Jared Stottlemeyer: What is that? [points at a black-and-white poster that reads "Runaway Child; Jared Stottlemeyer; Contact Security Ext. 17"]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh.
- Jared Stottlemeyer: Runaway child? [Stottlemeyer takes it down]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess we don’t need this anymore.
- Jared Stottlemeyer: Where’d they get that picture from?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It was went we went to Cabo.
- Jared Stottlemeyer: Was that the only one you had?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Jared, it doesn’t mean anything. It's--It's a new wallet.
- Jared Stottlemeyer: It’s not a new wallet, liar! I bet you have a thousand pictures of your girlfriend in there!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared, please.
- Jared Stottlemeyer: "A pretty good team", huh? Not a team at all. Or a family.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, this has been tough on me, too. I lost my family too. [He crumples up the poster and throws it away]
- [Monk delivers his summation over the noise of the song being performed on stage]
- Adrian Monk: And then he stuffed him into the hell-hole!
- Natalie Teeger: You mean the port-a-john!
- Adrian Monk: No I mean the hell-hole!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The hell-what?!
- [Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Monk that there is no evidence to allow them to arrest Kris Kedder for killing Stork, but Monk notices a blue beachball in the air]
- Adrian Monk: Beachball! The beachball!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me? [Cuts to black-and-white flashback of Kedder blowing up the beach ball as Annie observes]
- Adrian Monk: When he was pretending to be Stork, and when he was still--still in disguise, Kedder blew up--that blue beachball!
- Lt. Randall Disher: There will be a million fingerprints on that ball, Monk!
- Adrian Monk: The proof is not on the beachball; it's in the beachball!
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, the asthma!
- Lt. Randall Disher: In the beachball?
- Adrian Monk: Kris Kedder has asthma. He uses an inhaler; a very distinctive inhaler.
- Natalie Teeger: And it's mint flavored! It's one-of-a-kind!
- [Jared has caught the incriminating ball on top of the scaffolding for one of the speakers]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good job, son. Give me the ball.
- [Kedder climbs the adjoining ladder]
- Kris Kedder: No, don’t. Don’t you do it! He’s a cop. What’s your name?
- Jared Stottlemeyer: Jared.
- Kris Kedder: Jared.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared, this is very important! Give me the ball!
- Kris Kedder: Hey, man, you do everything the cops tell you? You know, I don’t. I like your shirt.
- Jared Stottlemeyer: Thanks, man.
- Kris Kedder: You play?
- Jared Stottlemeyer: Yeah!
- Kris Kedder: Me and you, we should jam sometime.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared! Listen to me! If he deflates that ball, we don’t have a case!
- Kris Kedder: Dude, he’s trying to set me up because of what I am, what I represent.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That’s nonsense, Jared! [becoming desperate] You might not like me, but you know me!
- Kris Kedder: Hey. You don’t trust cops, do ya?
- [long pause]
- Jared Stottlemeyer: I trust this one. [throws it to Leland]
- Kris Kedder: Don’t, don’t, don’t do it! [Randy handcuffs him]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Let's go!
- Kris Kedder: Punk!
- [last lines. Kedder is being led in handcuffs to a police car]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a uniformed cop] Be careful with this. Detective Kramer is waiting for this at the lab.
- Officer: Yes sir.
- [Monk and Natalie see Randy's new Kris Kedder T-shirt]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Check this T-shirt out. Sweet, huh?
- Natalie Teeger: Ooh, that's going to be worth a fortune when he's convicted!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Exactly. So Monk, what did you think of your first rock concert?
- Adrian Monk: Uh, I still like the old songs. Why don't people write old songs?
- Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. [They leave for the parking lot while Stottlemeyer and Jared stop at a take-your-own-photo booth]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, we'll meet you guys back at the car. [to Jared] Hey Jared. How 'bout a picture for my wallet? So I have a good one for the next time you take off. [Stottlemeyer and Jared sit in the photo booth, and they receive three photos - one of them with no emotion, one of them with Randy in the middle, and one of just Stottlemeyer and Jared sitting and smiling]
Season 7
[edit]Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14]
[edit]- Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody changed my life! Maybe as much as Trudy did! He ruined everything! It was childhood's end, really.
- Dr. Neven Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack-
- Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?
- Dr. Neven Bell: Yes, more or less. Yes.
- Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at one o'clock, when my head is in the man's toilet.
- Dr. Neven Bell: Why don't you just cancel it? Just say you're busy.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie won't let me! It's the first paying customer we've had in three weeks! Look, what I need is a note.
- Dr. Neven Bell: A note?
- Adrian Monk: Yes, a note from you, something I can show Natalie, to get me out of this!
- Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, I'm not going to write you a note!
- Adrian Monk: You don't have to write it. [pulls it out of his jacket] It's already written. All you have to do is sign it.
- Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, this isn't gym class! Now you've been talking about this Roderick Brody since the first session. And as I recall, you're still having nightmares about him. You know, I think this meeting today is a gift. It's an opportunity.
- Adrian Monk: Maybe you're right. But sign the note!
- Dr. Neven Bell: It's an opportunity to confront your greatest and most troubling fears, to finally resolve them! Put them all behind you! Not many people get this chance!
- Adrian Monk: I see your point. I never looked at it like that. Can I have the note back?
- Dr. Neven Bell: Sure. [He starts to hand the note back, but stops midway, wearily] Wait. You're not planning to forge my signature, are you?
- Adrian Monk: [laughs] No! [He lunges for the note]
- [Monk and Natalie park at the Brody house]
- Adrian Monk: [uneasily] Oh god.
- Natalie Teeger: Let's just hear what he has to say. If you're not comfortable, we'll leave. I promise.
- Adrian Monk: Really?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
- Adrian Monk: I'm not comfortable.
- Natalie Teeger: Come on. [They walk towards the front door]
- Adrian Monk: Not comfortable!
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we haven't even said hello!
- [Natalie rings the doorbell and Monk pulls a showercap out of his lapel]
- Natalie Teeger: What is that? Is that a shower cap?
- Adrian Monk: Sometimes, he'd let me wear one.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I don't think you're going to be needing that! [Natalie quickly stuffs it in her purse just as Marilyn opens the door]
- Marilyn Brody: Adrian Monk? And you must be Natalie. [Natalie smiles] I'm Marilyn Brody. Oh, Roderick is so looking forward to this.
- Adrian Monk: I'm sure he is.
- Marilyn Brody: Come in. Please.
- Natalie Teeger: Thank you. [They step into the wood-paneled foyer] Wow. What a beautiful home.
- Marilyn Brody: Oh, thank you, you are very sweet, really. [closes the doors behind them] It's a work in progress. We're redoing all the bathrooms upstairs. Which reminds me I need to call the contractor. We're having a party here in three weeks. [Natalie notices a wedding photo]
- Natalie Teeger: Did you get married here?
- Marilyn Brody: Yes, there was no reason to rent a big hall. I didn't have much family; I was adopted.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh.
- Marilyn Brody: Yeah, just one aunt in Texas. She didn't even make it!
- Natalie Teeger: Well I had a small wedding, too. I think they're the best.
- Marilyn Brody: Mmmm-hmmm.
- Adrian Monk: Well, he's obviously busy. It's too bad we missed him, but we should go, Natalie, we missed it.
- Marilyn Brody: No-no-no! No, you can't go! He's right upstairs. I'll-I'll tell him you're here. It was so nice to meet you!
- Natalie Teeger: You too. [Marilyn goes upstairs to fetch her husband; Natalie turns to Monk] She seems nice! How bad can her husband be?
- Adrian Monk: It doesn't always work like that! Eva Braun took in stray puppies, for God's sakes!
- Natalie Teeger: Well at least we know his checks won't bounce.... [Monk looks at a porcelain figure]
- Adrian Monk: Look at that thing. That is hideous. [The toilet is heard flushing] Oh god, he's warming up! Shower cap! [reaches for Natalie's purse in an attempt to grab his shower cap] Shower cap! Shower cap!
- Natalie Teeger: No- [Roderick Brody comes downstairs chewing out someone on his cellphone]
- Roderick Brody: I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
- Adrian Monk: Sad crazy. / Natalie Teeger: Funny crazy.
- [beat]
- Adrian Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [takes out a notecard] "Roderick Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy that you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds, that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you." [beat]
- Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?
- Natalie Teeger: No, I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... "tortured" him.
- [Monk and Natalie secretly convene with Roderick in a deserted parking lot]
- Adrian Monk: Well, you were right. [passes Roderick a file with photos] His name is Douglas Fendle.
- Natalie Teeger: Do you know him?
- Roderick Brody: Fendle? No.
- Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Young, strapping, good looking guy. Virile. You don't know him?
- Roderick Brody: Mmm-mmm.
- Natalie Teeger: She met him at a bar on Vinton Street, had a couple of drinks, and he left first.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, the virile guy left first, and we followed him to the Avalon Hotel on Jackson Place.
- Natalie Teeger: Roderick, I'm really sorry.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're really really sorry.
- Roderick Brody: I don't see anything. You know, it's so dark.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, that film expired about 35-40 years ago. But that's her. If you want to cry, go ahead. We-we understand.
- Roderick Brody: I can't see anything. This doesn't prove anything.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, but you know it's her, right? Because you saw her on the street. That's why you hired us.
- Roderick Brody: You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure about that anymore. The woman I saw, maybe it wasn't Marilyn. You know? My eyes aren't so great, I could have been wrong.
- Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You weren't wrong. It was her.
- Roderick Brody: I'm just, I'm not convinced. I need some real proof. You know, last night was our anniversary, and Marilyn surprised me. She bought us tickets. We're going on a cruise. I think we're in a good place.
- Adrian Monk: No. No, no, no, you're in a bad place. You're in the Heartbreak Hotel! Look at the next picture.
- Roderick Brody: [looking at the reflection photo] Is that a spoon?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, look closer, see the reflection. Yeah. See, that's them. That's your wife. That's your beloved wife. This is killing you! It's eating you up!
- Roderick Brody: I don't see it. [Natalie snatches the file from him]
- Natalie Teeger: You know what? You're probably right. The bar was dark, she was across the room. We probably have the wrong girl.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, what are you-
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we made a mistake!
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, what... Zip it. Zip it. [starts crying] This is the worst day of your life.
- Roderick Brody: Are you crying? Adrian, I'm still going to pay you! If that's what you're worrying about. [He opens his glove compartment to grab an envelope]
- Adrian Monk: [leans back, noticing a revolver] Whoa....
- Roderick Brody: Oh, what, the gun? Don't worry about it; I have a permit. We live in uncertain times. [gives the envelope to Monk] For your troubles.
- [Monk and Natalie are retracing Marilyn Brody's route. They have arrived at a street corner]
- Adrian Monk: OK, he said he lost track of her right here. So which way did she go?
- Natalie Teeger: [points right] That way.
- Adrian Monk: I don't think so. She was wearing high heels. That's a cobblestone street and it's all uphill.
- Natalie Teeger: So west?
- Adrian Monk: Nah, there's nothing between here and the pier.
- Natalie Teeger: All right, well that leaves north or south. [pause. Monk points across the street]
- Adrian Monk: That way.
- Natalie Teeger: Why that way?
- Adrian Monk: I feel lucky! [They begin walking across the street] Isn't this a great case? Isn't this the best case ever?
- Natalie Teeger: I've never seen you like this....
- Adrian Monk: I never knew revenge could be so sweet. And what makes it even sweeter? Give up: Roderick Brody is paying for it. He is footing the bill for his own comeuppance! And that is the best kind of comeuppance there is.
- [Monk has tried asking a doorman about Marilyn. Natalie pulls him aside]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don't you feel bad? Even a little?! I mean, if you're right, this could destroy their marriage!
- Adrian Monk: You're the one whose always talking about karma! "What comes around goes around"! Isn't that what you said?
- Natalie Teeger: That isn't what I meant!
- Adrian Monk: Of course it is. Of course it is... [spots a bar just across the street] Ooh, that looks promising. Come on!
- [Monk and Natalie walk into an upscale bar and take seats at the counter]
- Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me.
- Adrian Monk: Hi. Um, we're looking for this woman. [flashes a photo of Marilyn to the bartender]
- Bartender: You a cop?
- Adrian Monk: No, no-no-no-no. Just an old friend.
- Bartender: Haven't seen her.
- Adrian Monk: OK. [Monk pulls out his wallet] Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory? [He puts down a $1 bill. Natalie buries her face in her hands, embarrassed]
- Bartender: Is that a dollar? [beat]
- Adrian Monk: [winks] OK, I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are... [puts a quarter down] ...two General Washingtons. [The bartender walks away] Where are you going? Where's he going? [Monk sighs and puts his money away] You've got to admire the guy. He's incorruptable.
- Barfly: Hey. She's right over there. [Monk and Natalie turn around and see "Marilyn" with a lover at a back table; they quickly turn back forward]
- Adrian Monk: Oh my god.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my god, it's true!
- Adrian Monk: This is going to kill him!
- Natalie Teeger: [glances over her shoulder] He's actually kinda cute!
- Adrian Monk: I get to tell him, OK. That's the deal. God, I can't wait to see his face! [Monk pulls out a very old camera. Natalie sighs, exasperated]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk...........what is that? Is that your camera? Where did you get that?
- Adrian Monk: It was a birthday gift.
- Natalie Teeger: From who? Thomas Edison?
- Adrian Monk: It's from my Nana.
- Natalie Teeger: Wait. Is there actual film in it?
- Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it! [looks around his surroundings] All right, I have three pictures left. Okay, there's not enough light. So--so... [takes out a flash cube]
- Natalie Teeger: Is that a flash cube? [Monk pops the cube on]
- Adrian Monk: Bingo. Hold this. Hold it. [He then stands a spoon on its handle and polishes it with a wipe]
- Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
- Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. We use it as a mirror. [Natalie holds the spoon upright as Monk positions himself, muttering under his breath. Natalie rolls her eyes at the camera]
- Natalie Teeger: [hisses] Hurry up! Take the picture!
- [Monk repositions himself, and the flash fires. Monk and Natalie wince their eyes]
- Natalie Teeger: Ow!
- Barfly: You like that spoon, huh? [Natalie notices the businessman]
- Natalie Teeger: Sir, um, would you mind taking our picture?
- Barfly: Madam, I would be honored. [Natalie grins and hands him Monk's camera]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, thank you! Here you go. It's ready to go!
- Barfly: Hey, I've got the same model myself.
- Natalie Teeger: [laughs] Uh-huh.
- Barfly: A gift from my Nana.
- Natalie Teeger: OK, sir, if you wouldn't mind standing right.... there. [She positions the businessman to just the right angle] Okay. Can you see us?
- Barfly: I got ya.
- Natalie Teeger: And if you could stand right there. [She repositions Monk accordingly, checking behind them] Right? And on the count of three: One. Two. And THREE! [As she says "three", the camera flash goes off and Monk and Natalie dive out of view]
- [Natalie shows up at Monk's apartment with a grocery bag]
- Adrian Monk: Okay it took you long enough. Did you get it? [He pulls out a box containing a digital camera] Oh yeah. Is it a good one?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
- Adrian Monk: Ooh, it looks good. [Looks at the woman on the box] She looks happy with it.
- Natalie Teeger: Yes she does and she's very hard to please. [Monk sits down at his dining room table]
- Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingie?
- Natalie Teeger: Uh, it has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.
- Adrian Monk: Built-in? Excellent! [takes a scalpel and slowly cuts an incision along the sides. Natalie drops her hands, exasperated]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery!
- Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by eight o'clock. [Natalie rolls her shoulders] We can follow her all day-
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, um, Mr. Monk, I have to tell you something. I made a decision: if you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right, although it really isn't, but...[sighs] I can't help you anymore.
- Adrian Monk: Why not?
- Natalie Teeger: I--I--I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us!
- Adrian Monk: It's what they call pro bono.
- Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!
- Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance. [Natalie's face turns red with rage]
- Natalie Teeger: No! NO! That is just crazy talk! [Natalie marches forward and turns off Monk's table lamp. Monk promptly turns the lamp back on]
- Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk-
- Natalie Teeger: Pro bono comeuppance?! That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said! He wants you to quit!!
- Adrian Monk: [scoffs] I wanted him to quit! I begged him to quit 40 years ago, in stall #3! [He picks up the new camera and examines it] Oh yeah. [Natalie's cell phone rings]
- Natalie Teeger: Hello? [sighs] Yes, he's right here. [She listens] The Avalon? Sure, we know it. We were just there. Okay, what's his name?
- [Natalie looks up at the camera]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
- Adrian Monk: What happened?
- [Cuts to Monk and Natalie looking at Douglas Fendle's dead body]
- [Monk and Natalie are looking at Fendle's body as Randy briefs them]
- Lt. Randall Disher: His name is Douglas J. Fendle, or rather was Douglas J. Fendle, I guess it still is, but doesn't matter. Let's move on. [looks at his notebook] Uh, he was 37, unmarried, from Chicago. Mr. Fendle was an attorney, he worked at a small time law firm, Shellman, Reznick & Link, mostly family law, wills, adoptions... [he looks up at Monk] Are you okay?
- Adrian Monk: Dynamite.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so are you, uh, going to look around?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure. [He looks around the scene as Randy continues reading from his notepad]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I talked to his boss. She said he was on vacation. She didn't even know he was here.
- Adrian Monk: Hmmm, interesting.
- Lt. Randall Disher: According to the clerk, he checked in three days ago. He kept to himself. Housekeeping found the body this morning. Dr. T puts the time of death at 8:00 or 9:00 PM last night. [pauses as Monk takes a flower out of one of the room vases] He was stabbed three times.
- Adrian Monk: Ouch. [Natalie glares at him disapprovingly]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
- Lt. Randall Disher: There was money still in his pocket, so it wasn't a robbery.
- Adrian Monk: No, it wasn't a robbery.
- Lt. Randall Disher: And, uh, there was no forced entry. He let the guy in. I think he knew him.
- Adrian Monk: [semi-chuckling] Yeah I think he knew him too. I think you're right- [Natalie pulls him aside and leads him into the other room]
- Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Can I talk to you for a minute, please?! Do you think Roderick Brody did this?
- [Monk gives her a look that means "maybe"]
- Natalie Teeger: Well he said he didn't believe us!
- Adrian Monk: Apparently he reconsidered.
- Natalie Teeger: Well that's horrible! A man is dead!
- Adrian Monk: I know, and that's murder in the first degree, and you know what that means: prison swirlies. Natalie! Prison swirlies! You don't even want to know about prison swirlies. They're not even technically real swirlies. You were right about karma. It is fantastic!
- Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk-
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [enters] Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.
- Adrian Monk: Hi.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was downstairs doing a little dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, whaddaya think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk releases a stifled laugh] Are you happy?
- Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] No. [Randy whispers into Stottlemeyer's ear]
- Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Know what? [points to the body] What, you know this guy?
- Adrian Monk: No, not technically...
- Natalie Teeger: [simultaneously] No, [we] don't "know" him; never met him face to face.
- Adrian Monk: Never formally introduced.
- Natalie Teeger: Just....
- Adrian Monk: Sort of.... [Natalie makes a motion with her fingers indicating "footsteps"] We've been following him.
- Natalie Teeger: Right.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
- Adrian Monk: Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and [shrugs] we were following her.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.
- Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
- Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor! He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's-
- Adrian Monk: Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [points an accusing finger at Monk] And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even!
- Adrian Monk: I know I'm getting even.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, your pal - you told him about the affair, and you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk shrugs] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]
- Natalie Teeger: Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a lawyer or a third party-
- Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Randy starts to write down a name and address in his book] No, "B-R-O". That looks like an "A". "B-R-O-D-Y". Roderick Brody.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's go talk to him.
- [They file out, and Monk escorts Natalie out]
- Adrian Monk: Prison swirlies!
- [Roderick Brody is being questioned at the police station]
- Roderick Brody: You didn't have to drag me down here. You could've talked to me in my office.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'm more comfortable here. I've got my own coffee mug. I've got the AC set just the way I like it.
- Roderick Brody: Yeah, well can I at least call my wife?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well we've already called her. She's on her way.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So let's start at the beginning. You knew Mr. Monk from the neighborhood. You hired him to follow your wife, he told you about Mr. Fendle, told you about Fendle and the hotel...
- Roderick Brody: Yeah, but it wasn't my wife. The woman you saw in that bar, it wasn't Marilyn. It couldn't have been.
- [Monk stands up and paces in front of Roderick]
- Adrian Monk: Well I told you about your wife and Mr. Fendle and then two hours later, Fendle was dead. It looks pretty bad, Roderick.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, skipping ahead, um, eight o'clock last night?
- Roderick Brody: I told you. I was at home with Marilyn. We rented a movie.
- Adrian Monk: What's the matter, Roddy? You look a little... flushed. [pause] Get it?
- Roderick Brody: No.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Neither do I.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Flushed?
- Adrian Monk: He gets it. Trust me. He gets it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, Monk? We'll take it from here. Thank you.
- Adrian Monk: I'll bet the room is just swirling all around you. Just swirling all around. Your whole life is about to go down the drain. Wait, I have more. [pulls out an index card] "Your thoughts are overflowing..." [Natalie pulls the card from his hand]
- [Natalie finds Monk standing in a park near the police station, eyes closed and hand over his chest, like he is meditating]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk? There you are! What are you doing?
- Adrian Monk: Do you hear that? The birds? They're singing. Is that a lark? Yeah?
- Natalie Teeger: Uh, I don't know.
- Adrian Monk: You know how I feel? Liberated! [Monk and Natalie start walking] I should've confronted that S-O you-know-what years ago! B. I still can't believe I won.
- Natalie Teeger: You know, Mr. Monk, I don't think anyone really won anything.
- Adrian Monk: You're right, of course, you're right. Except me. I won big-time!
- Natalie Teeger: [smiles] Are you going to start singing?
- Adrian Monk: [laughs] You know I almost could. You know what I am going to do? I'm going to do a cartwheel. [Natalie lifts her eyebrows] I'm going to do a cartwheel right here. You might want to stand back. It's my first cartwheel. [A passerby hurries out of the way] Yeah, that's perfect. There's plenty of room there. That's great. I'm going do it right here. [He puts two wipes on the ground] What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man was stabbed to death.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, this is no time for cartwheels. [starts to pick up his wipes] Why don't I listen to you?
- Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
- Adrian Monk: On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this! I mean, this is a moment to savor, it might never happen again! I'm doing the cartwheel! I am doing it! [puts his wipes down on the grass] I can't do it! It's ghoulish! I mean, one man dead, another man going to jail. Am I a ghoul?
- Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you're not a ghoul!
- Adrian Monk: What is a ghoul?
- Natalie Teeger: You know, I don't know.
- Adrian Monk: I don't care! The man is my archenemy! One cartwheel, I've gotta do it! [tries again] I can't. Natalie, do the cartwheel!
- Natalie Teeger: What?
- Adrian Monk: Come on, it's a good compromise: cartwheel by proxy! And don't forget to say "Whee!" while you're doing it. Gotta say "Whee"- [He grabs Natalie by her right arm]
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, no, thank you.
- [Monk notices a police officer nearby and his attention is drawn to the pistol in the cop's hip holster]
- Adrian Monk: Oh no!
- Natalie Teeger: What is it? What happened?
- Adrian Monk: Brody. He had a gun.
- [Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have broken into the Brody house just in time to stop Marilyn's evil twin from drowning her]
- Lt. Randall Disher: How do we tell them apart? [Marilyn coughs up salt water] Say "aunt."
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, uh, that works too. [Stottlemeyer handcuffs the twin]
- [last lines]
- Adrian Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling? The toilet tank of life. [Natalie puts her arm around Monk's]
- Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home. [They start walking back to the car]
- Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.
- Natalie Teeger: Plato said that?
- Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm going to need that shower cap back.
- Natalie Teeger: OK.