Talk:Monique Luiz/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 18:28, 12 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

"starring in the Daisy advertisement, the incumbent president Lyndon B. Johnson's famous re-election campaign ad" not keen on seeing advertisement and ad in the same sentence. Would "starring in the Daisy advertisement, part of the incumbent president Lyndon B. Johnson's re-election campaign." (I also dropped "famous" because that's not required here in an encyclopedia. Same applies to the mention of this in the main body.
- Done, though various reliable sources call "Daisy" a 'famous' or 'most famous' ad. – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Girl" is a former" comma after Girl".
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
" to U.S. in " to the US in
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"mother began taking her to" mother took her to
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
counting count counting miscount. Bit repetitive.
- Tried to rephrase – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"of a mushroom clouds of the nuclear explosion, " a mushroom cloud following a nuclear explosion.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"one of the most popular and controversial political advertisement" advertisements.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
In general, I see the words ad, advertisement, commercial etc almost every sentence. I think it could use shaking up a little so it's not so repetitive.
- Tried to make some changes... – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Luiz and finally returning to the U.S. in" before returning to the US (and don't link United States).
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"After returning to the U.S. in 1983, " -> "Upon her return,"
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"the Internet.[8][2] Another" ref order.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"position for years" this reads a touch colloquial.
- Removed – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Her portuguese husband" capital P and no need to link.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"at the Phoenix bank" "the" Phoenix bank?
- Removed the definite article – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"unsuccessful presidential campaign against" overlinked.
- Removed the link – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
" Trump.[19][1] The" ref order.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Some of the See also have already been linked in the article.
- Done – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
I don't even understand the relevance of "Doyle Dane Bernbach"?
- Removed. Though DDB has been credited for creating the Daisy ad (along with Tony Schwartz) – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 03:24, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

That is all I have. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 19:47, 12 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@The Rambling Man – I have tried to address all your concerns. Please let me know if anything else needs to be addressed. Thanks! – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 07:51, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.