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The following obituary in the Philadelphia Jewish Exponent is the basis for a sentence in the current Draft's lede:
As the Pennsylvania secretary of budget and administration (2003-2008), he eliminated state deficits, generated surpluses, and bolstered state funding for Pennsylvania school districts.
@Anachronist (or others seeing this): How would you feel about reading this sentence based on the cited reference? Nnev66 (talk) 19:19, 14 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]
I think the sentence is vague and fluffy without any actual facts to go along with it. What state deficits? (plural?) What surpluses? Is this elaborated on anywhere? ~Anachronist (talk) 23:14, 14 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]
Yeah, I get that. I replaced the sentence with a paraphrase from the former governor from the two obituaries.
Former governor Ed Rendell said Masch was an impactful public servant for the city, state and school district who worked to not only save taxpayers money but also to make people's lives better.
I'm trying to summarize his work in a short sentence. No one really writes about it with facts and figures. I see phrases like financial wizard in articles but I know the peacock tags would come out for that. I'll likely submit the Draft for review next week. Nnev66 (talk) 16:55, 15 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]
I've finished the draft. Any concerns before I submit it? It's quite frustrating when a page gets declined for a reason that could be easily fixed and has to go back into the queue. Nnev66 (talk) 21:33, 19 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]
I looked up the Rendell cabinet and of the ~50 former members all but five have Wiki pages, most with 1-3 reliable secondary sources from local coverage; some have no reliable secondary sources. Note Masch was not listed as Secretary of the Budget so I fixed that. The discussion of the original draft centered around lack of reliable secondary sources, that it was written like a resume, and that the position was minor. I think it wasn't clear that he had an executive role in Rendell's administration. Nnev66 (talk) 19:48, 14 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]
@Anachronist:, @Nnev66: I've been busy, but have been following the progress being made on this draft. I agree that to say this is a vast improvement is an understatement. This is an encyclopedia article. I'm not sure it really fits NPOL#2, lots of local small town mayors get lots of local press coverage. However, I think with the addition of the Harrisburg source a strong case for WP:GNG is made. For article improvement, I'd like to see the last sentence moved out of the lede. This isn't mentioned anywhere in the body, so it makes the article look promotional. Perhaps it could be moved to a new section called "Legacy", along with the last sentence from the "Career" section. 78.26(spin me / revolutions)03:11, 20 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]
@78.26, @Anachronist thanks for your feedback. I've created a Legacy section - makes sense to put what Rendell said there. During Masch's lifetime Rendell is quoted praising his skills but I didn't necessarily want to put that in the body without specifics to back up the praise.
Note I've personally purchased subscriptions to NYTimes, WaPost, and Philly Inquirer and thanks to my 500+ edits I can search via Wikipedia NewspaperARCHIVE.com, Newspapers.com, or ProQuest. So sources I find tend to be there or that I can access via web thanks to a few free articles newspapers give viewers. All to say I don't think I can search Patriot-News archives without Cumberland library access or another archive Wikipedia doesn't have so may have missed something. If I keep doing this (Pennsylvania-related articles with Harrisburg sources or books that aren't online) I'll need to find a library that gives me access. Nnev66 (talk) 21:02, 20 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]
Done. Article is now live. ~Anachronist (talk) 22:20, 20 May 2024 (UTC)