Jump to content

Talk:Dave McNally/GA1

Page contents not supported in other languages.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

GA Review

[edit]

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Lizzy150 (talk · contribs) 11:00, 3 May 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Hi, I'll review this article! Though I'm more of a Dodgers fan, haha, but the Orioles are pretty cool too. Here are my comments:

Lead

[edit]
  • Second paragraph - you don't need to mention his birth date "October 31, 1942" again. It's already in the first paragraph!
  • "perished" - 'died'?
  • "20 wins exactly" - do you even need the word 'exactly' there?
  • "worked as a car dealer before dying of cancer in 2002" - perhaps rephrase to: 'worked as a car dealer until his death from cancer in 2002'?

Major league career

[edit]
  • "Fitting in (1962–65)" - I don't have an issue with this heading, but I just think it sounds informal. I would've used 'Career beginnings'?
  • "bone spur and calcium deposits" - perhaps add wikilinks to these conditions?
  • "In this year's, he limited Cleveland" - do you mean 'In that year'? 1965?
  • "The Orioles won the AL pennant" - 'the American League (AL) pennant' - and add wikilink
  • "injecting cortisone" - wikilink 'cortisone'
  • "McNally limited the White Sox" - needs wikilink to Chicago White Sox since this is the first time you mention it
  • "Cy Young Award" - need wikilink
  • "in AL MVP voting" - in 'AL Most Valuable Player (MVP) voting' - and add wikilink
  • "saying after the game he didn't have his best stuff" - is that he said, because that didn't make sense to me?
  • "More money, fewer runs (1972–74)" - instead of 'More money', what about 'Salary increase'?
  • "14 days later, he held.." - or perhaps 'Two weeks later'?

Legacy and beyond

[edit]
  • Add wikilink to Sports Illustrated
  • "According to John Helyar's book" - wikilink to his page
  • "MLBPA player" - 'Major League Baseball Players Association (MLBPA) player'
  • "Jean Hoffer, McNally's high school sweetheart, married him in 1961." - you could express this more simply by writing: 'McNally met Jean Hoffer in high school and they married in 1961.'
  • "gave McNally a paycheck for working at his brewery" - perhaps 'employed McNally at his brewery during offseasons'? Not sure why paycheck is important?
  • Wikilink 'hiccups'
  • Wikilink 'wig'
  • "auto business" - 'automotive industry' and wikilink
  • Wikilink 'car dealership'
  • Wikilink 'Maury Allen'
  • "McNally lived five years longer" - perhaps 'McNally lived for another five years'?
  • You should consider moving the 'Legacy' section below the 'Personal life', for chronological structure

General

  • Sources - looks fine
  • Images - fine
  • Broad / Stable - yes
  • Illustrated - yes
  • Mostly well-written, just needs some refinement before promoting. Thanks, L150 11:00, 3 May 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for making the changes and confirming that you had already linked AL, MVP, Award once. I've made a few tiny copyedits and wikilinked 'calcium deposits' in the first mention of it. Think we're good to pass now! L150 14:00, 3 May 2020 (UTC)[reply]