Marriage proposal
 | The examples and perspective in this article may not represent a worldwide view of the subject. (September 2023) |
A marriage proposal is a custom or ritual, common in Western cultures, in which one member of a couple asks the other for their hand in marriage. If accepted, it marks the initiation of engagement, a mutual promise of later marriage.
Gendered customs and roles
[edit]In Western cultures, a proposal is traditionally made by a man to a woman, while genuflecting in front of her. The ritual often involves the formal asking of the question "Will you marry me, ...?" and the presentation of an engagement ring (often in a small velvet box), which he may place on her finger if she accepts.[1][2]
Before proposing, a man traditionally asks permission from the father of the woman he hopes to marry.[3][2] If this is done at all in the modern day, it is usually understood as a formality.[4]
The vast majority of proposals in the United States[5][6] and Australia[7] are made by men. In partiarchal society proposals by women may not be taken seriously or treated as "real" proposals.[8]
Gender egalitarian norms
[edit]Proposals by women are increasingly accepted in Western culture, with most Americans[5] and Australians[7] approving of women proposing marriage to men. Jewelry companies have begun to advertise engagement rings for women proposing to men.[9] Folk traditions in countries including Scotland, Ireland, England, and Finland allow women to propose on leap days, sometimes with any man rejecting such a proposal being expected to pay a forfeit to his suitor, usually through a gift of clothing.[10][11][12] Reasons some women state for rejecting gender equality for marriage proposal include fear of rejection and preferring benevolent sexism.[13] Some women lead the marriage proposal in private, while publicly showcasing gender essential marriage proposal conventions.[13]
Queen Victoria had to propose to Prince Albert due to royal tradition in Britain that no one can propose to a reigning monarch.[14]
Same-gender couples, to whom gendered proposal traditions do not apply, usually keep some elements of customary ritual while altering others. In some cases, there may be multiple proposals, and each partner may propose to the other.[15]
Traditions
[edit]The proposal itself is often supposed to be a surprise, although in practice this is rarely actually the case.[16] Surveys have found that most proposals are not surprises, and most wedding engagements begin with a conversation in which the parties mutually agree to wed.[17]
Not all engagements begin with a proposal of marriage. Historically, many marriages have been arranged by parents or matchmakers, and these customs are still sometimes practiced in the modern day. Even when the decision to marry is made by the couple, it may not be communicated between them directly; for instance, in the traditional Japanese custom of Omiai, the formal decision to pursue marriage or to turn it down (Kotowari) is communicated between the couple's respective matchmakers.[18]
Couples in many Christian denominations have the option of receiving the Rite of Betrothal (also known as 'blessing an engaged couple' or 'declaration of intention'), which often includes prayer, Bible readings, blessing of engagement rings, and a blessing of the couple.[19][20][21]
See also
[edit]References
[edit]
- ^ Kamen, Gloria; Martin, Judith (2011). Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). New York: W. W. Norton & Company. p. 760. ISBN 9780393079098.
- ^ a b Schweingruber, D; Anahita, S; Berns, N (2004). "'Popping the Question' When the Answer Is Known: The Engagement Proposal as Performance". Sociological Focus. 37 (2): 148. doi:10.1080/00380237.2004.10571239. S2CID 143510045.
The majority of the proposals in this study contained five elements. Three were found in every proposal: (1) the man asking the woman to marry him, (2) the man presenting the woman a ring, and (3) the man orchestrating the proposal as a "surprise." Another element, the man getting down on one knee, was found in 17 of the 20 proposals.
- ^ Post, Emily (1922). Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home. New York and London: Funk & Wagnalls Company.
- ^ Kamen, Gloria; Martin, Judith (2011). Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). New York: W. W. Norton & Company. p. 775. ISBN 9780393079098.
- ^ a b "Why don't women propose to men?". CBS News. 2014-05-05. Archived from the original on 2017-12-22. Retrieved 2015-05-07.
- ^ Kamen, Gloria; Martin, Judith (2011). Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). New York: W. W. Norton & Company. p. 761. ISBN 9780393079098.
Mind you, [Miss Manners] believes it is as appropriate for the lady to propose to the gentleman as it is for a gentleman to propose to a lady.
- ^ a b "Women take wedding proposals into their own hands on February 29 - but should they?". Yahoo Life. 2024-02-28. Retrieved 2024-08-18.
- ^ Schweingruber, D; Anahita, S; Berns, N (2004). "'Popping the Question' When the Answer Is Known: The Engagement Proposal as Performance". Sociological Focus. 37 (2): 148. doi:10.1080/00380237.2004.10571239. S2CID 143510045.
A universal element in the proposals of heterosexual couples we interviewed was that the proposer was the male member of the couple and the audience was the female member. Breaking this rule, as only the female member can do, did not result in an official engagement. [...] Another woman twice asked her boyfriend to marry her and even gave him a ring. He wore the ring but did not take her proposals seriously. The couple did not consider themselves engaged until he asked her to marry him.
- ^ "Australian news article about women proposing". Smh.com.au. 2004-02-29. Archived from the original on 2017-12-02. Retrieved 2014-08-11.
- ^ "Leap Year Proposal: What's The Story Behind It?". Huffingtonpost.com. 2012-02-29. Archived from the original on 2014-10-21. Retrieved 2014-08-11.
- ^ Jowett, Adam; Peel, Elizabeth (2019). "Reshaping relational scripts? Marriage and civil partnership proposals among same-gender couples". Psychology & Sexuality. 10 (4): 1. doi:10.1080/19419899.2019.1645726. S2CID 202264087.
Tradition dictates that men are expected to play the active role of initiating the proposal, while women are expected to adopt a passive and reactive role (Schweingruber, Anahita, & Berns, 2004). Although in some European countries – such as Finland and Ireland – there is the custom that women are permitted to propose during a leap year, this is the exception that proves the cultural rule.
- ^ Marriage Customs of the World: An Encyclopedia of Dating Customs and Wedding Traditions, Expanded Second Edition [2 Volumes] George Monger ABC-CLIO, Apr 9, 2013
- ^ a b Lamont, Ellen (23 September 2013). "Negotiating Courtship". Gender & Society. 28 (2). SAGE Publications: 189–211. doi:10.1177/0891243213503899. ISSN 0891-2432.
- ^ Dolby, Karen (2018). My Dearest, Dearest Albert: Queen Victoria's Life Through Her Letters and Journals. London: Michael O'Mara Books.
As royal tradition dictated that no one could propose to a reigning monarch, Victoria asked Albert to marry her on 15 October 1839.
- ^ Jowett, Adam; Peel, Elizabeth (2019). "Reshaping relational scripts? Marriage and civil partnership proposals among same-gender couples". Psychology & Sexuality. 10 (4): 1. doi:10.1080/19419899.2019.1645726. S2CID 202264087.
- ^ Kamen, Gloria; Martin, Judith (2011). Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). New York: W. W. Norton & Company. p. 759. ISBN 9780393079098.
- ^ Weiss, Suzannah (2020-11-18). "Forget the Fancy Proposal. Let's Just Get Married". The New York Times. ISSN 0362-4331. Archived from the original on 2020-11-22. Retrieved 2020-11-23.
- ^ Alpert, Erika Renee (2014). Language, Gender, and Ideology in Japanese Professional Matchmaking (PhD). University of Michigan. hdl:2027.42/107171.
- ^ "Rites Relating to Marriage: A Statement and Resources from The International Anglican Liturgical Consultation" (PDF). The International Anglican Liturgical Consultation. 2011. pp. 4, 14–15. Archived (PDF) from the original on 20 September 2021. Retrieved 19 September 2021.
- ^ Aabram, Virginia (29 August 2021). "What Is the Rite of Betrothal?". National Catholic Register. Archived from the original on 20 September 2021. Retrieved 19 September 2021.
- ^ "A Brief Liturgy for the Signing of the Declaration of Intention" (PDF). Anglican Church in North America. 2019. p. 213-214. Archived (PDF) from the original on 20 September 2021. Retrieved 19 September 2021.
Further reading
[edit]- Davis, Ernest, ed. (2020). "Will You Marry Me?" Some First-Hand Accounts of Marriage Proposals, 1600-1900 (PDF).
